The first time I fell in love

We were best friends, we shared secrets, stood by each other, had a laugh together, had playfights, we were always really physical. I loved your hugs, being wrapped in your arms, so tight. But I ruined it didn’t I? Wanted something more. wanted You to kiss me, your lips warm and soft, I wanted you to hold my hand, to say I loved you and hear you say it back... instead all I got was a "thanks". And then it was awkwar, you kept acting like nothing happened, like everything was normal, I told you we couldn't be as close as we were: "at least not straight away, I just need time". But you couldn't even give me that, you kept texting and calling, you'd ask for advice about other girls, put kisses at the end of your messeges. You called me beautiful once, I'll never forget it, and I asked you to kiss me, so You could see how it felt, see if you really didn't feel anything. You sounded so grossed out when you said no, like I was the ugliest thing you ever saw. That hurt, and the fact that you liked 3 of my friends, but eventually I got over it, I stopped answering your calls and texts, stopped opening up to you and letting you open up to me, in fact you were the only person I ever deliberately pushed away. Now college is over and you're just a memory, I still think of you sometimes, wonder how life's been for you. We were best friends after all, maybe we'd still be best friends if I hadn't told you how I felt, sometimes I wish I'd settled for what I had instead of wanting more, but I guess it helped us both realise some things about ourselves and each other, I'll always be glad I was honest.