Picnics at sunset in a field of cream-white roses.

I knew you

as my Mother.

A beautiful face,

soft hugs that felt like sunlight,

(and maybe that’s why I look for sunlight

outside of me - in other people, everywhere I go)

the loveliest laugh,

the longest hair...

But you aren’t here now.

You are long gone;

you are in another place now...

you are happy...

you are in another time,

another eternity....

And I am truly sorry that I shall never

know you, see you, feel you

after this...

I shall never be able to feel your soul

and merge with you in love

like I did in your womb...

our souls were the same then.

Although I knew your physical form

that you inhabited in this life,

I shall never know,

or find,

or recognize

what your soul feels like...

I suppose I should be grateful,

that the universe bestowed upon us

the loveliest gift

of being able to exist

in this same slice of time and reality

as mother and baby-

the most divine of all connections...

even if as short as just 19 years.

It breaks my heart to think of the fact that

I do not know where you are,

where you exist now

or how you are.

I do not know if you remember now

that you were with me,

that I existed,

that I came from you

and that I was with you-

and that for a brief moment in the cosmos

we were together.

It haunts me to think of the fact that

I do not know what has become of you

and that you may have gone on,

gone back

or if you are back to source at last...

It kills me to think of the fact that

I shall, most likely,

never meet you again

now or after

or for as long as our souls are meant to exist.

Your birthday this year has been different for me.

It’s tough now, to continue this way.

I do not wish to go on.

I am now happy enough to only await my destiny

of relieving endings

so that I may start my new beginning

of searching for you

turning the heavens over

as I look for you

and look for you

and look for you...

and I will spend as many eternities as it takes.

And until then,

we are together

in a field of cream white roses

with peach centers,

always blooming and bright;

and it’s always a golden pink sunset

and we’re having a small picnic

with cherries and fresh baked bread

and cheese and oranges...

and I’m your little baby girl

that loves cuddles and being held

and held and held some more

and you tell me I’ve been your good baby

and that everything is better,

we are together now

in a better place

and you won’t leave me ever again...

you tell me we’re safe

and it’s okay,

it’s okay,

it’s okay.

~Love.

Loss.

Your baby.