Picnics at sunset in a field of cream-white roses.
I knew you
as my Mother.
A beautiful face,
soft hugs that felt like sunlight,
(and maybe that’s why I look for sunlight
outside of me - in other people, everywhere I go)
the loveliest laugh,
the longest hair...
But you aren’t here now.
You are long gone;
you are in another place now...
you are happy...
you are in another time,
And I am truly sorry that I shall never
know you, see you, feel you
I shall never be able to feel your soul
and merge with you in love
like I did in your womb...
our souls were the same then.
Although I knew your physical form
that you inhabited in this life,
I shall never know,
what your soul feels like...
I suppose I should be grateful,
that the universe bestowed upon us
the loveliest gift
of being able to exist
in this same slice of time and reality
as mother and baby-
the most divine of all connections...
even if as short as just 19 years.
It breaks my heart to think of the fact that
I do not know where you are,
where you exist now
or how you are.
I do not know if you remember now
that you were with me,
that I existed,
that I came from you
and that I was with you-
and that for a brief moment in the cosmos
we were together.
It haunts me to think of the fact that
I do not know what has become of you
and that you may have gone on,
or if you are back to source at last...
It kills me to think of the fact that
I shall, most likely,
never meet you again
now or after
or for as long as our souls are meant to exist.
Your birthday this year has been different for me.
It’s tough now, to continue this way.
I do not wish to go on.
I am now happy enough to only await my destiny
of relieving endings
so that I may start my new beginning
of searching for you
turning the heavens over
as I look for you
and look for you
and look for you...
and I will spend as many eternities as it takes.
And until then,
we are together
in a field of cream white roses
with peach centers,
always blooming and bright;
and it’s always a golden pink sunset
and we’re having a small picnic
with cherries and fresh baked bread
and cheese and oranges...
and I’m your little baby girl
that loves cuddles and being held
and held and held some more
and you tell me I’ve been your good baby
and that everything is better,
we are together now
in a better place
and you won’t leave me ever again...
you tell me we’re safe
and it’s okay,