A Little Every Day

I used to try to kill myself a little every day.

My words were my poison of choice,

And my mind swallowed them willingly.

You're ugly, you're fat, you're stupid.

Why can't you just be normal?

No one really likes you,

They stay in your life out of convenience or pity.

No one really loves you unless they're forced to,

because you manipulated them into it,

because they're bound by blood to ignore your many flaws.

You haven't accomplished anything important.

Your best years are behind you and you took them for granted.

You should just have some kids to save yourself from the ostracization because

Everyone knows that otherwise you'll die alone.

Don't you know you'll never be truly happy?

I fed myself a steady diet of self-hate until my veins turned black

The color of the deepest pit in the darkest room I'd only ever seen in nightmares

It smothered me like a weighted blanket I couldn't free myself out from under

Disoriented me so I became lost in my own house

Deprived of oxygen, my blood became a toxin that attacked my insides.

It caused:

My neurons to misfire!

My heart to constrict!

My lungs to deflate!

Until soon I was certain I would die in my sleep,

Consumed by the turbulent and vast waves

Of my own emotions drowning me.

But to my surprise,

Each day the sun still rose.

Each day the light shone through my window,

Casting a curious ray across my eyes that made them squint at first

Until eventually it cast out the shadows too,

And I was finally able to see that

This was no way to Live.

It was a way to Die.

And if I was ever going to

Sing another song,

Write another story,

Laugh another day,

I wouldn't be able to do it alone...

So I got help.

And slowly the two of us sucked the poison out

From years of self-inflicted wounds

This expert stranger and me.

Until there was so much ruby red blood in my veins

That I put lipstick on just to match

And stepped in front of the mirror to thank myself

For staying alive.

Now I try to rebuild myself

With caring words, true words

The kind of words that are the antidote.

I recite them to keep the poison at bay

A little every day.