Yearning

It’s 2:40

And I felt like describing this strange feeling that I never really thought of explaining. “The Tug” I’ve been calling it lately. I know it is quite a silly name for a feeling that knows how to create and destroy me. The feeling resides at the centre of my chest. It’s like someone dipping their hand in my soul and trying to pull it out of the cage it’s been trapped in for a while. Sometimes it feels like a strong push from the inside.

Something wants to get out

Something is trying to tell me,

“What are you waiting for?”

I wonder if people around me feel the same. The feeling is rather overwhelming, but again for me every feeling is overwhelming. This ‘tug’ surfaces when I want to be heard, when I want to speak but my shyness shuts me up.

“Why don’t you speak up?”

“You want to be heard, don’t you?”

“You know a lot about this”

“How can you not articulate when your mind is full of words?”

The ‘tug’ painfully reminds me of the things I’m missing out on. The places I could have traveled, the sights I could have seen, the rush of happiness I could have felt, but here I am wallowing in self pity.

“What are you waiting for?”

I feel the ‘tug’ drive me to insanity when my toxic perfectionism chains me down. When I miss out on things I love doing because I’m scared of not being good enough, scared of failing.

“What is there to lose?”

I look at my clock, it’s 2:54. The ‘tug’ reminds me of who I miss the most. I cry, I smile.

I yearn.

-Yearning, by Aks