It's dark. I can hear the silent tears, rolling down her cheeks as she looks in the mirror.
I slowly creep, opening the door ever-so-slightly.
Peeping in, I see her, gazing into her own eyes, looking for her faults.
I know what she's thinking, but I ask anyway.
"Sweet dear one, what is the matter?" I whisper softly.
She pauses. Still looking in the mirror, but at me now.
Her expression paused mid sob, lips quivering.
No words. She dosn't know how to vocalise it, for fear of being misunderstood.
"Dear one, please. Remember you can talk to me, I will always protect you."
She still has no words, but she turns to face me, still standing on her chair.
Her eyes begin to prick and the water starts to brim her lids.
Hot tears falling delicately.
I walk over and scoop her up, wrapping her in love and safeness.
Her eyes overflow now, her chest thudding, silent rasps of breath escaping.
I hold her close and say nothing. She needs this release.
I don't try to shush her, or quell what she is feeling, I just let her feel.
Giving her a safe and tender moment to just be.
Gradualy her breathing starts slow down, the tears become cold, her swollen red eyes open - staring into my soul.
"Sweet dear one, would you like to share now, what it is that's troubling you so?"
Her lips part, and the tiniest whisper says -
"What is wrong with me?"
I tell her nothing is wrong with her, she is exactly who she needs to be-
"-but WHY do I feel everything so much more, WHY does everyone leave, and
WHY, can I not be happy?" These questions fall from her mouth, but like not like questions, like statements, as if this is it, this is definitive.
I pause now. Unsure of what to say, because these are my thoughts too.
It often feels like we aren't aloud to be happy. Toeing the line of happiness, but too scared to cross, for fear of somebody ripping out the table cloth beneanth us.
It's happened so many times, just at that peak. We are starved of joy sometimes.
We are scared.
But, I am older and wiser now. We have grown, and learnt so many things.
So I tell her -
"Darling child, this is our path. We feel things so intnensly, so that we can share with others. so that we can teach others, to feel. We can sit with dark emotions, unlike most. It is a gift. We must learn to share, not push. Give people the gift of our authentic selves.
Our honesty, and patiance. Our kind, sweet minds. A safe space for uncomfortable thoughts.
We have not met the right people, but we have gifted them all the same. They were not ready. And that's okay too, they are on their own journeys through life.
We have friends, and we have loved ones, who hold us so dearly.
They allow us to be who we are, unapologetically.
We have safe places, and comfort, and a place to rest our head. We have people to fall back on, when the waves drag us down.
We are not alone. Not this time.
We can be happy. We just have to find happiness within ourselves.
All of those things we feel so intenesly, it includes happiness.
Remember that feeling, when we stand in the sun, eyes closed, listening to the world around us, and we open our eyes and the world is so, So beautiful, filled with rosey air and soft bright lights, the world whispering sweet-nothings in our ears?
That is our happiness.
We can have that anywhere.
We are aloud it. It is our right.
We will find balance. We will find peace.
But first, we must find it all within ourselves; within our own darkness.
We are almost there, though the journey never stops.
We will forever be learning, trying to answer questions.
But we will always have eachother, and we will always be free.
This is our life, dear one.
We choose our path. We find our own meaning.
A gift so great, most don't know where to start.
So, let's first help ouselves, so in turn, we can help others.
- now come, LET US LIVE!"
Her eyes are filling again, but happiness is falling out.
Gold-tinted-tears, rolling down her cheeks. She smiles
and we hold eachother tight.
"That's right." she beams, through closed eyes.
We have grown quite abit.
We are ready now, not to start a fresh; but to continue, as anew.
As a whole, beautiful being,
like we have always been, like we always new we could be;
If we just believed.