Everything to Cry To

Sometimes , I'd like to cry ,

to my mother ,

to my father ,

of how unfair this world is .

How ruthless this world is .

The world sucks the living souls out of children .

If you don't fit into society's rotting stigma ,

you would be deemed an outcast .

If you don't do things a certain way ,

you'd be deemed as lazy , selfish .

You can't say you have a mental illness here .

You'd just be deemed an "attention-seeker"

Or maybe you'd just be seen as pitiful ,

for coming up with such a 'lame' excuse .

An excuse to be 'weak' and cry .

But the only answer I've gotten from my parents was to

buck up .

Because the world wasn't going to wait for me .

They , weren't going to wait for me .

Sometimes I'd like to cry to my cousin .

Such a beautiful soul they were .

They were kind , understanding .

They had many dreams ,

some of which were like my own .

They were like the sibling I never had .

But now ,

we don't share the same dream anymore .

We can't share the same dream anymore .

Their soul was crushed ,

by the thoughts of people they didn't even know .

Their mind was poisoned ,

by a type of jealousy they never owned .

The worst part was how they kept it in so well .

They always laughed with me ,

like nothing ever happened .

Now that I think about it ,

I wish that I had hugged them the last time i saw them .

Really , really tightly .

Then maybe , just maybe ,

things wouldn't have turned out like how they have .

I wish that they told me ,

of all the pain they were going through .

I wish they had told me ,

how much they had fallen into darkness .

I wish they had told me ,

when they were about to leave this world .

At least I would have known they were leaving .

I wouldn't have stopped them .

Really wouldn't .

I can understand why they wanted to leave .

It was just that I didn't expect it .

Not this soon .

I didn't expect them to go so soon .

After all ,

they had so much hope in their heart ,

they had so much love to give .

How could they just get crushed like that ?

I can't accept it .

How long had they been suffering for this to happen ?

I shouldn't have left their house that night .

I could feel something was wrong .

My stomach was churning that night .

Why didn't I listen to it ?

I should have stayed with them all night .

So that they wouldn't be lonely .

I should have told them I loved them that night .

I should have comforted them that night .

If I could change one thing from my past ,

it would have been that night .

Because now ,

they aren't here to share their jokes with me ,

they aren't here to play games with me ,

they aren't here to cook with me ,

they aren't here to talk with me ,

they aren't here to share their dreams with me .

I can't even send them their favourite food anymore .

Natto .

They already left this world .

And I couldn't even say goodbye .

They spent their last days staring at a hospital ceiling .

Cold and alone .

Bleeding from the slits on their wrists .

Brain dying , due to lack of oxygen .

But I guess what is done is done .

They are gone now .

And I hope that they are relieved ,

their soul at ease ,

their mind at rest .

I hope that they will never have to remember this life of theirs .

And if they are ever reborn ,

I hope that they are in a good family ,

without any debt .

A family that can return the love they give .

Sometimes I'd like to cry to myself .

To just stop everything .

To just give up .

But unlike my cousin ,

I lack the courage to end things here .

I couldn't even stand up to my mother ,

when she cursed my cousins name after their death .

I couldn't stand up to her and say ,

" It's people like you who made them do this ."

" It's people like you who force them to come to this conclusion. "

But people like her rather believe in a god they've never met ,

than a human suffering right in front of their eyes .

People like her would rather blame everything on a god they've never met ,

"Everything happens because it is His plan"

than taking any responsibility for their careless actions .

Sometimes I'd like to cry out ,

all my anger and frustration .

But hey ,

no-one cares anyways .

So I might as well just kill them all .

They think doing suicide is SO easy .

Trust me when I say it's not .

In fact , people who suicide are the bravest people .

Not the weakest .

Let's see how they feel...to try dying once .

Then maybe they would realise ,

how all actions have consequences .

And for this

.

.

.

.

.

their consequence is me .