I'm done with this.
I just can't do it anymore.
In October, when we first started talking again, every time you called me it was like falling in love with every world that came out of your mouth. And it was different then, because I could convince myself that you loved me back. That every awful thing you did to me was out of love or confusion, or in my most optimistic moments that you were trying to save me from you. That you knew I was too kind for you, and you were trying to push me away to save me from your darkness. And I know that since you told me you didn't love me things were supposed to get easier. We were supposed to be able to do what you have been doing all along. Sex. just sex with nothing else behind it. But the problem is that once you ripped the idea that maybe we could be in love out from under me all that was left was the truth about what has been going on on and off for the past four years: you hurt me. Over and over and over again and you knew what you were doing and you didn't care. I still fall for you every time you speak to me, every time you call me pretty or tell me you missed me, but it's not falling in love anymore, it’s falling off a cliff. I've realized that even if you told me right now that you have loved me all this time, that all of my hopes were true and that now you were ready to love me back, I wouldn't accept it because even at my weakest, most vulnerable moments where I feel so small and the world feels so big and I worry that you are the only person alive who has any interest in protecting me from it, I know that I can't love someone who hurt me so badly. You watched me break myself into these tiny little pieces and put them back together in the order that you like them, you watched me fall apart in front of you, push other people away, wait around all day long just hoping that you would call when you know better than anyone that that's not who I am. Sex, however good it is, isn’t worth letting you think you can hurt me like that and still have access to me. Sex isnt worth you using me, it isnt worth you hurting me, it isnt worth the shame i feel when you hang up and im left having to acknowledge how far backwards I have stepped and how much more work I have created for myself.
I wish I didn't have to do this. I wish we could have made it work, I wish it hadn't stopped working now, when I am perhaps most poorly equipped to handle a loss like this, I wish you could have just been the good person I tried so hard to turn you into in my head, but it doesn't matter because we do, and we can't, and it did, and its happening now, and much as i might spend the rest of my life trying to convince myself that you are good, a good person would never do this to someone they care about.
Please dont text me, because i promise you this time I will not respond. Don't call me because I wont answer. I am asking you please to let me finally fucking heal from this and move on. I am begging you to let me go and find someone with thicker skin who can handle the things you put me through because it's not me.