Sober Drunk

I rape my mind with intoxication

A wandering, stuttering drunk

Trapped with a sober mind

A body heavy and lagging

Fingertips numbing

Circulation slowing

Until what’s left is double vision

Pins and needles

A screaming mind toward a future self

Drunk to Ms. Sober

“Why’d you let us get this loose?”

Where even typing this poem is a struggle

Where my mind still speaks in poem

But my fingers are missing letters

Yet this sober mind can backspace and autocorrect helps with the rest

All I can be thankful is that this drunkenness can’t hold a knife like sober does

That lingering stage of suicide and crying though the night

Interrupted by alcohol

Suicide left behind and a life saved

Only if alcohol poisoning doesn’t decide that’s the way to go

Although tomorrow would just be a rinse and repeat

Either suicide or vice

The agenda is a type of numbness

Don’t give a shit what happens tomorrow type

All I know is by late night

There will be an increase

Masturbation and pleasure

Cuts and tears and death

Or vices like strong liquors and smoke

All I need is one eye close to pretend I’m sober when I’m not

Just like it’s easy to pretend I’m healthy and sane when I’m not

Like how I could still walk along Coney island step by step

One foot in front of the other

Despite my vision telling me that it’s the perfect time to fall onto the train tracks

I’m still trying to find an easy death that intoxication is helping to find