Keep the Doctors Away

I had a friend that used to say that you could die at any moment. I always thought they were full of hogwash (Guess I should’ve listened to them after all).

It’s a strange feeling, being dead. It feels like a perpetual dream- walking through a fog.

Five minutes ago I saw my own face directly for the first time- and it was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.

The funny thing is: I don’t remember dying. I was eating breakfast, and chatting with Laura. It’s been three years since I married her, but she looks as beautiful as the day I met her. I know it’s cheesy, but it’s true. So sue me.

In movies, when a character dies their vision fades to black. They almost got it right- ever since I woke up, all I see is grey.

At first I thought I was having an out of body experience. Which in a way I suppose I was. But as I watched her frantically listen at my chest I realize- I’m not breathing. I lunge myself towards her, and hit -nothing. I pass through her like a shiver in the wind.

Another thing about being dead- you can’t cry.

She called an ambulance, but I could already tell she knew I was gone. Her eyes were flint- almost but not quite unwavering.

When they arrived, she left with them. I trie to come with her- but the moment I tried to leave the house, I jolted back. It only took me a few minutes to realize I can’t leave.

I decided to explore and find out what I can do (If I keep busy maybe I won’t think about what this means). I’m incapable of interacting with anything physical, except when I try to leave the house. It’s like an invisible barrier, keeping me inside.

I watched a video on dissociation once. They talked about feeling as if a shroud separated them from the world- like nothing is real. For the first time I find myself empathizing with them.

When I heard the front door creak, I flew to the front (quite literally, considering my newfound intangibility). And what I saw was a broken woman. I wanted to scream, to hug her, anything to show here that I’m here. But instead, I watched her fall to her knees. I almost didn’t hear her whisper- I wish I didn’t.

“Why. Why did it have to be Luna. Why did it have to be her.” Her voice was unsteady, cracking as she said my name. Without thinking, I tried to put my hand on her shoulder. She flinched, as if remembering something.

Laura slept on the couch that night- she took one look at the unmade bed and silently walked away.

The next day, Bella paid a visit. She lives about five miles away. She sells apples- even has a whole orchard of apple trees in her backyard.

She brought a steaming pie and two glasses of wine. I’m not sure if she understands how mourning works, but I could tell Laura appreciated it.

As I watched them talk I saw a smile return to Laura’s face. I’m glad.

I hovered over Bella while I waited for Laura to get out of the bathroom, impatient. I saw her wipe chucks of apple seed of her vest, as if swating a gnat. Wait. What on earth was she doing to break apple seeds into chucks? My first thought was some sort of recipe, but then I remembered- apple seeds are poisonous. I read once that about 200 apple seeds ground up were enough to kill.

My mind jumped to my last breakfast- served with a helping of nuts. Oh god. No.

I have to tell Laura- but how? I can't do anything. Well. Most anything.

I only have one shot at this- one chance to let her know. I trembled, my hands unstead as I sealed my fate.

As everything faded to black (finally), I knew I have done it. It was worth it, in the end.