Self-inflicted Achromatic

I want to be someone like you

I want to be someone that feels very “me”

If I really wanted to, I could go and do it

But then would that really be me?

The way I am, someone like me is better off dead

Where someone like me is alive,

Brings sadness to tens of thousands of people

In this world am I not even allowed to survive?

A world that no one wants me:

I wish that’s the kind of world it was

A world where everyone is happy without my existence

There is no “because,”

If just by wiping me away

And there is no hatred for anything

Hundreds of people rejoiced

I would happily reject such a thing

Tomorrow I’ll still tread between reality and dreams

Just like that, I’d love to disappear

Would me changing myself really help?

In the end I’m still here

And no one wants me:

If the world was like that, would it be okay?

Even if I were wiped away

That wouldn’t change some hundreds of million people in a way

If no one will resent me, then that’s still a loss

“My self” made in others will crumble away

In the end everyone will collapse in the same manner

If only I didn’t hold onto today

Why do you smile so much just because I’m alive?

If you smile like that, my sadness perished

No matter how sad, now matter how much I want to disappear

If only my reasons of wanting to say good-bye vanished

My whole purpose in life was to be resented

But looking at your smile, I can’t say that

If only I could just kill myself without knowing it would hurt you

Then where would you be at?

If this was a dream, I wish it wouldn’t ever end

If no one will resent me, then that’s still counted as a loss

I want to die, I want to live

I still find myself trying to walk across

All the hatred directed on me,

I would be able to die happily

I’m more scared of not being hated enough than being hated

If only I can live that easily