when i was a child,
my mother vanished.
my father came for me
and took me from that house
où les canards avaient été mes soignants.
(where the ducks had been my caregivers.)
we moved far away
where i slept in the attic
where shoes melted
où le givre couvrait le tapis.
(where frost covered the carpet.)
one day i dragged my mattress
into the laundry room
where the dogs slept
where the dryer knocked pictures from
empty, brown walls.
i was happy here,
où je me sentais moins seul
(where i felt less alone)
where i could see my father
watching the weather from the couch
and secretly nurture the bugs
crawling under the covers
and up my legs.
then his wife taught me to pray
and began painting murals for their unborn son
dans la chambre vide avec deux fenêtres.
(in that empty bedroom with two windows)
i’d cry for my mother
et mes canards.
(and my ducks.)
now my father won’t call me
mais même maintenant je prie le soleil
(but i still pray to the sun)
please just let him forgive me
for the ways i remind him of her
et pour la façon dont je n'étais pas assez.
(and for the ways i was not enough.)