Do you feel like you want to die, or do you just want to not be where you are right now?
Do you have thoughts of hurting yourself?
Do you have a plan?
Have you attempted suicide before?
Did you know that in certain situations, ideation, or thoughts of dying, thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore, thoughts of wanting to just fucking feel anything else... as awful and terrible as it sounds... those thoughts are coping skills.
I know it doesn't sound like it would be, but sometimes our brain wants to protect us when we are vulnerable, afraid, or in lingering chronic pain.
Depression is a liar- I assure you. If that were not true, you would not be here looking for truth- truth that things can, will, and do get better. You would not be here to desire to read this.
You sit reading this having gotten through 100% of your worst days so far; so there is comfort in knowing no matter how deep the rabbit hole of your depression, your anxiety; no matter what your brain unleashed when it over-powered even your very personality... you are still here.
Do not take your pain or your experiences for granted. I tried to kill myself, and I mean I really tried. At the time, yes oh my gosh I wanted so much to just not feel- anything. Looking back, I still remember every second of that pain that led to such a blank and seemingly somehow frantic panic that I could not do it fast enough.
That was six summers ago. After about 400 days I stopped counting. I would be lying if I told you I made my life better, or that I never think about it or have ideation anymore. I also can in solid truth tell you... those years between then and now have been some of the worst and hardest in my life- but even in those times, I would not let myself entertain the thought, at least for not too long.
Suicide is perminate. Emotional pain, physical pain- treatable, as is anxiety and depression. I chose to be bigger than the thing that almost broke me. I chose to be stronger than myself, and I have made that choice everyday since then.
So... can you help me help you?
I know you enjoy repairing and building things... making good use of the hands that dangle between episodes of strength and hardship- one nail or qwerty at a time. Tap into that and let's see what you can do?