Nightmares preceding sleep

I want you to hold me in your arms until I’m sound alseep.

Just once.

I know you hold me all the time

but my mind never quietens enough.

I’m never capable of sleeping with my head on your chest

listening to your gentle heart thump.

The sound wriggles its way into my thoughts

Until it’s all I think

A heart beat.

A biological clock.

There is no now

only the time we have left.

Yet we know not

how long that may be for you and me.

I love snuggling close together with your forehead against my cheek.

Our bodies skillfully entwined

But I hate your warm breath

breathing where I breath.

Sharing back and forth the oxygen that resided in our lungs

It makes me far too conscious of my body’s futile efforts at keeping me alive.

So many things out of my control.

It’s just nature.

Biology.

It’s just life.

A life I never wanted.

But a life I get to live.

It’s too much for me to think about

it’s even worse to think alone.

I’ll never get control

So at least you’re there to calm me down

when even my thoughts get too much.

Which is why I need to fall asleep inside your arms.