guilt

I picked up a fistful of broken glass and held it firm. The warmth in my palm was morbidly pleasant as it was complemented by the soothing winter’s chill and muffling darkness. I dared not loosen my grip, lest I lose my mind.

It’s so easy to stay connected these days, and I do honestly believe that it’s a blessing. Living in a time where having a goddamn computer in your pocket is virtually a basic human right? Sign me right up, chief. I was never one to glorify the past; I’ve heard too many tales of the struggles before industrialization/automation. Having to sleep by an unpredictable open flame to stay warm in the winter, working in a place where losing appendages is an inevitability, not knowing where your kids could be when it’s past dark, the list goes on. The safety and the information in particular is something I would never have traded…

My fist beginning to tremble now, I took a deep breath and a step forward simultaneously. The high-pitched crunch under my heel grounded me for a moment during my daze. Blurred vision was beginning to disorient me and I had to remind myself to blink.

I worked less than an hour away from home but my kids loved to video call me during work, asking when I would be coming. Today was no different and I stepped away from my desk for their usual 4:00 PM appointment. I told them I had to work a little overtime today and for them to stay inside as always. Today those words were said with some meaning and not completely out of habit. There were rumors that a “demonstration” would be happening tonight around the municipal court, and I was uncomfortable knowing that could happen so close to home.

My hips could no longer support my body and I fell onto my shoulder mid-stride. A cloud of dust rose around me and muddied the clear darkness. I couldn’t stop shaking. Every single bone and muscle in my body was activated and moving autonomously.

No. I had to stay clear-headed.

While on the ground, I looked at the remains of my home. Total collapse. The high-rise a block away took all of the buildings on this block down with it. And I know it could’ve happened. I knew what might’ve happened tonight.

I didn’t tell them. I knew, and I didn’t tell them. I knew, and I chose not to tell them. I chose not to tell them.

It was all my fault.

Before I knew it, most of the glass had fallen out of my hand.