My Name Is Victoria, Hear Me Roar.

i.

Every time I hear that word,

"Shalen"

I cringe.

I cringe because of all that's attached

To that little, six letter word bound tightly

In anger and pain and frustration.

All the little things, because of that

One

Little

Word

Anxiety.

Depression.

Suicide.

I don't want it.

I don't want it.

I don't want it.

It disgusts me when I hear it,

Chipping away at my resolve like a vulture at a carcass,

That hasn't eaten in days

-I am nothing but the pills I have swallowed and the shadows in my room.

It is me- and I am it.

We're siamese twins

Conjoined at the waist

I can never be rid of it.

ii.

remember all those times, mother

all those times you repeated yourself:

"i'll love you no matter what, and i'll always support you."

you're a liar.

remember that time,

when i told you the words

"i want to be a girl"

what happened to your support then?

you disgust me-

and the fact i feel any remorse at that at all

terrifies me

iii.

i started today

having my friends call me

victoria

i like that name much better

and until now

i'd lost all hope

at happiness

perhaps one day

i can shed that hideous word,

"shalen"

and be who i really am.

today is not that day,

but repeat after me:

"My current situation, is not my final destination."

i can achieve happiness.

i can live.

i can make it.

iv.

My name is Victoria,

Hear me roar.