OCD

I can't stop the thoughts,

the worry,

that whirs through me every other day.

A thought,

that was nurtured by my sub-conscious

has now become part of what I breathe,

I can't sit without thinking about it,

I can't write without worrying about it,

trying

to tell myself it's nothing,

just a silly thought

that should leave my head

any moment now,

but I soon worry that, perhaps,

the thought came in my head

as a memory,

of something done,

something said,

or

as guilt,

of something I may do,

or

did do.

The stress overwhelms me

and controls me,

that soon enough

I don't know which thoughts,

are real

and

not real.

Soon enough,

my mind focuses on what I'm stressed about

and

creates its own 'memories' of the

thought,

which makes me believe that

yes,

it was a memory

and

yes,

it happened,

or at least,

it will.

The stress of needing to double check,

triple check,

that the power is off,

that the window is close,

that the doors are locked,

that I didn't miss something,

that I didn't say that.

So many things I need to re-check,

whether physically

or

mentally,

in my head.

Going over conversations as to make sure I wasn't rude,

going over so many ''what if's''

while my mind creates more worries,

more thoughts to stress about,

''what if...''

''what if...''

''what if...''

It's an Obsession,

a Compulsion

a Disorder.

28.6.2020