Facets of myself

Alternate title: I wrote this at the pool.

I am the girl in the purple towel by the pool’s edge

The one who should be swimming but she’s too scared to try

She wears her AirPods as a suit of armor to protect her from other’s opinions

Smiles halfheartedly at the ground when a good song comes on

I am the girl by the pool’s edge who hates country music

Who purses her lips

Grinds her teeth

Scrunches her cartilage up at the old boom box the owner plays FM radio from

Who doesn’t know who Blake Shelton is when he’s not at Gwen Stefani’s side

Who doesn’t care who Blake Shelton is even when he’s at Gwen Stefani’s side

I am the girl by the pool’s edge silently judging herself

While pretending to judge others

Staring at girls in too tight string bikinis

Scowling but wishing I was them

I am the girl by the pool’s edge who loves to complain

A mouthful of sunflower seeds and venom at the ready to spit onto innocent bystanders

Who wishes she stayed home

Who wishes that cheeseburger she ordered from the concessions stand would come sooner

Who hunches her shoulders over as protection from their stares

Who overthinks the amount of chlorine, urine, bleach, frogs, dirt, etc. in the pool

Who all it took was one mean comment to get her out of the water

Who grits her teeth and walks away when the whale like redneck men strike up conversation with her

I am the girl who is thriving on negativity

Who even though the sun baked potatoes in bathing suits they outgrew fifty years ago on their towels say I’m not having a good time

This is the best day I’ve had in a while

But while I am the girl who flashes her eyes at every stray voice that interrupts her music

I am also the girl whose lips twitch into a wide grin at every floaty wearing five year old that passes by

Who would’ve been just as bored, maybe more so, if she had stayed home

Who owes this to her parents

To stick it out

Get in the pool

Because for reasons that she can’t comprehend, her mother actually enjoys swimming in waste, chemicals, frogs, and sweat

And her dad just wants to see her happy

Something she hasn’t been for a while

While I am the girl by the edge of the pool who woke up hating the world

Tomorrow I will not hate the world as much

And it is a slight difference

But it matters

It is a slight change in my countenance to smile not scowl

But it matters

I am all of them

And none of them at the same time

Sad girls, mad girls, out-of-their- godforsaken-mind girls, depressed girls, smiling on the outside to conceal what’s on the inside girls

I will be all of them at the same time

Watch me