At First All I Heard Was Silence
One quote has recently run circles in my head:
“Don’t be scared to walk alone, don’t be scared to like it”
The longer it stays in my mind, the deeper its tracks ingrain in my memory.
Long ago, my inner compass was silent. At times I was told what I felt even when I didn’t agree. It left me confused with no words to explain what I needed, what I thought, or who I was. My emotions jumbled, screamed, and cried without ever reaching the surface. I wrote vigorously as my last attempt to understand the explosion trapped inside, placing words with feelings until something felt right.
No one could help me until I gave some sign that something was wrong, only I didn’t know what was wrong and got confused figuring out if there was something wrong at all. Writing was my way out, allowing for journals and journals of incoherent, disorganized trains of thought. The earliest journals were too painful to keep but dozens still lay in a pile on my shelf.
I have not evolved yet to speak, but I have evolved to allow for expression in writing. It is how the truth inside me shines past all the barriers, for when I write, I can stay silent. Writing was, and continues to be, my balancing act so I never thought about it as a career.
Published authors need to write for others, all I do is write for myself. I try imagining characters, but none come up because all I understand is my own experience. My descriptions flow best when I use the second person (you) or write a letter in first person (I): the two most looked down upon formats in my formal schooling.
I have many other interests. I see physics as the real magic adults once said wasn’t real, and love the environment from witnessing it through travel. I came into college working towards a physics major (still on that path). However, at this very moment, 1:52am, on Saturday May 9th, I know nothing would suit me more than to set my stories free.
I want my career to be, being me: the author that, though unconventional, emerged naturally.
I feel words rather than hear them and believe that amazement lies in the everyday world. Stories that appear from thoughts outside society’s built in conventions have the chance to soar with and beyond imagination. Based on today, I am a writer, I am ready to share my heart with those who are willing to listen.
P.s When I wake up in the morning, I will still be a physics major