That I Put The “Pro” In Procrastination

Constant pressure from school in the forms of deadlines and test dates has been covering up the fact that I have a horrific work ethic that is "get everything out of the way so you can sleep at night". This work ethic was most likely caused by being deemed "gifted" and "a pleasure to have in class" in elementary school, which is all teacher-talk for "this introvertive, book-obsessed student has a crippling fear of failure so she is a perfectionist when doing just about any assignment".

Because of this, the free time we all have now has compelled me to squeeze in every last TV show and book I never got to have as a childhood experience and completely reject my online classes because of their lack of due dates, mandatory human contact, and general stressors. I have gotten so much seratonin from just doing things that I enjoy for once that I feel like I won't even be able to get back into my studies.

It's all so surreal: I can pick up a book without having to write an essay about it. I can watch a movie without having to take notes. I can draw without being told to focus on what's on the paper. I can wear whatever I want without getting dresscoded. I can have snacks without having to share with the rest of the class. I can write on this website without being told to switch tabs. My body hasn't even gotten used to this shift, and I still find myself waking up early and feeling strange when I get to eat and use the bathroom whenever I want.

I'm also more disconnected in a way, not being able to fully process this as more than extra vacation. Is it bad that I'm actually okay with staying inside like this? I hope it's just my introversion and not a kind of sick apathy that doesn't have me complaining like many of my friends are. I don't understand why so many people are willing to break the rules and risk illness just to go back outside, when they themselves had been wishing for a break from school. Call me a goody-two-shoes, but you won't find me protesting against a deadly virus.

There's still the slightest twinge of pressure from teachers wanting me to complete practice assignments, but what are they gonna do if I don't? They can't lower my grades that much or send me to any office, so there are really no consequences.

Maybe this is how it should be. No, I don't mean having a pandemic taking lives and putting our health workers and small businesses on the line. I mean less academic pressure. The fact is, my generation has lived under stress and anxiety from school-related responsibilities that older folks have never dreamed of, and now the big break a lot of us have begged for is here.

Truth be told, I had been praying for a break from school just days before quarantine was put into place in my county. I was breaking down by the time lockdown was announced, and can't imagine what I would have done if it didn't happen.

I haven't slept so well in years; never had time to dream so peacefully before. The literal burden on my shoulders, my backpack stuffed with outdated and expensive textbooks, is gone, and I can stand up straighter. I didn't realize that there had been a constant pounding in my head until it lessened, the only noise I hear now being the rain and bird outside and my family inside. Speaking of which, school lunch has been replaced by homemade meals, a transition I didn't know I needed until my weight stopped dropping erratically. I can't put into enough words how necessary this was for my mental and physical health, even if boredom and separation from my friends are beginning to creep up on me.

To sum my feelings up, COVID-19 may be forcing us indoors, but I may or may not have to be dragged out of bed once we can go back outdoors.