Don’t Get Attached

Don’t get attached.

I tell myself that every time,

But my negligence of that rule always comes back to bite me

No matter how hard I try.

So far in life,

I have noticed that I am:

Too quiet

Too weird

Too (not) caught up with social trends

Too unfashionable

Etc.

It never used to be a problem

But seventh grade hit me like a ton of bricks

And suddenly I’m realizing

That problems I used to be able to ignore

Are now mountains I have to climb

To keep friends that I used to trust.

In the beginning,

I am always able to relax

Think about how nice it is to have new friends

To enjoy what is never meant to last.

But things always catch up with me

“Escaping” from who I used to be

Trying to reinvent a new, “popular” somewhat-likeable me

Doesn’t work as well as I always hope.

I cling to what I think I have

Yet when it comes down to it

The people I rely on

will slip through my fingers like grains of sand.

Ultimatums are my enemy

Because when you tell my “friends” to choose

I know they would never choose me.

I go to such lengths

To keep friends

Lengths I shouldn’t be going to

But I can’t help myself.

I get attached

I realize that losing the fragile friendship I can barely maintain

Isn’t something I can bear to do

So I clutch at strings,

Desperately trying to pull them back to me

When everything just starts to slip further away.

I don’t know what I did

Or didn’t do

But nothing is enough.

In the end,

They see me as a fallback option

Their “plan b” when things go awry.

When their top choices are gone,

I am acceptable, in their eyes

Worth the extra effort.

Otherwise,

I am the one putting in 110% to get noticed

While they toss in a measly 20%.

I have learned that I need to get better at following my golden rule

To get better at accepting that people will move on from me

As fast as they appeared

And that in the end,

They consider me a “friend”

When it’s convenient

I am just the background scenery

Tacked on to the edge of their life

Almost like an afterthought.

Squeezing into the sides of photos

Getting cropped out

because I’m not one of the people in it that matters

Constantly craning my neck to see what’s on their phone

Because I’m not the person they want to show anything to.

Eventually,

I will just disappear altogether

They will completely stop noticing

That I’m hovering behind them

Looking for a way in

When it sometimes feels like I need a way out.

When it comes down to it

I am not important to them

I do not matter to them

I am a simple object of convenience

And much as I want to run away

They seem like the only option I have

So the sooner I accept it and move on

The sooner I can enjoy the fleeting moments of friendship

They deign to give me

When it seems like a good idea.