I feel ridiculous sitting in an airport trying not to laugh at my phone. In this game of checkers, you are constantly making me king you, and I hate it almost as much as I hate that I have to pretend I have malaria just to talk to you in public. Your lack of understanding that this is embarrassing only makes it worse. "You should smile!" you write, using tons of emojis to back up your claim. I roll my eyes. Your logic is only funnier, much to my dismay. "You need to smile! You have pretty teeth." "You would have drunk all of that Ensure for nothing." "Does anyone even care about you laughing but you? (and me but I just like fucking with you)"
I resolve to never look at anything you send me, knowing it will leave me looking like a moron for laughing in the middle of a non-funny situation. Yet, five texts later, I break my resolve, look at something else, and find myself "coughing" in public again. You little trickster! No matter how hard I try, you always manage to make me emote in public. Never have I been so out of control of my own emotions and I hate it. I hate you. I put my phone in my pocket and try to ignore the dings. Three in, and I can't resist. An inconspicuous YouTube link. My parents are distracted enough that I can take a peek at it, right? Wrong. I wish you'd understand how embarrassing it is for my parents to look at me like I'm crazy. But no, you just say to blame it on malaria, which makes me laugh again. I dislike you.