Can a person be both broken and powerful?
Sometimes I think it's sad. Sad how I've grown up to not be able to cry as much. When I was small, all I'd do was cry. There was never a very good reason for it. And that was the thing I hated most about myself.
But now it's different.
I've realised that it's never stupid to cry.
Firstly, it doesn't matter how trivial a problem seems. If you're so distressed that you're crying over it, it's never nothing.
Secondly, I miss crying. Depression has taken it away from me.
I used to cry about things like someone calling me a bad name in the playground. Or if I got low marks on a test. One memorable waterworks episode was over a book in the school library.
Sometimes I look back and laugh at my younger self. I would never, ever cry about those things now.
And I think, god I am so much stronger than I was back then.
But am I?
Instead, I cry about all of the sh*t I've been through. About the times when I screamed for hours on end because I just needed to stop existing. I cry about all the people I love but will never see again. I cry about the uncertainty I constantly face in my day to day life.
And then I realise, the only reason I don't cry about dumb things like library books, is because I have encountered much worse things to be sad and angry about.
And I think, god I am so damaged.
But at the end of the day, I'm not damaged. How could I be? How could anyone be? The circumstances one finds themselves in never makes them flawed.
In fact, the things that appeared to break me have made me stronger.
So maybe it's both. Maybe the fact I don't cry over trivial things does make me strong. But maybe the fact I am stronger...is because I am damaged.