Once upon a time, in a small, green, dingy house under a slate grey and mossy cliff, which was very tall, and broad, there lived an extremely old woman, who, despite the accusations and whispers and gossip and children's-stories-that-only-the-very-young-and-naive-and-completely-gullible-could-ever-possibly-believe, of the nearby town, which was small and smelly and full of very rude and ungrateful peasants, was NOT a witch with a horrible, disgusting wart on her nose, or on her left eyebrow, or crooked teeth that might fly out if she laughed too hard, thank you very much.