Crumbly Thoughts

How are Pepperidge Farm cookies still a thing?

They turn to dust easier than vampires in a tanning salon. I keep looking for tiny dessicant bags at the bottom of each package.

Were they invented by paranoid cookie hoarders so they could trace thieves via crumbs? Because that's all these are - crumbs in 140 calorie piles that end up half in my mouth and half all over my shirt. I think dead Lost Boys have less dust on them.

Seriously - milk can't even fix this mess.

There are chewy and crunchy cookie fans, yes - but who on earth picks these? Masochists? Vacuum cleaner salespeople?

What do they use to film their commercials so their models don't resemble Sesame Street monsters?

And why are they still so popular they take up an entire shelf at the store?

I've tried different flavors but the consistency remains the same - sawdust. Really? The height of modern artificial sweeteners + genetically modified corn starch produces this?

If I'm going to eat unhealthy foods then at least make it worth the time to chew - or make it actually chewable. I feel like I'm two seconds from choking on inhaled cookie substances. I should just get myself a mirror and a straw at this point.

Okay, perhaps that pushing the metaphor - but still.

Why do these exist? And who continues to buy them?