Thinking out loud

I always do this.

Push away people,

Push away feelings

Drown them in alcohol and fake smiles.

Tell them not to fall in love with me

I can’t reciprocate. Don’t know how.

I’m just here for the sex,

Let yourself out when we’re done.

It lasts a little while

They always think they can change me

I said I was honest from the start

They said they didn’t believe it.

Eventually either I get bored

Or they do.

When I see them with someone else,

It hurts.

I don’t know why. I encouraged them

See other people, just use protection.

Invite someone else into bed with us

But what I didn’t say

Was that I do have feelings for you

I wouldn’t let you inside me if I didn’t

I say one thing and I guess after hearing it soo many times

They finally believe it.

When I see him with someone else,

It hurts. Physically hurts my heart.

But what can I say?

I told him this is what I wanted.

He doesn’t ask if I’m cool with it

Just assumes it’s okay

Because I told him to.

Even if he did ask, I would say I was fine.

It’s fine.

Back to the beer and the Bourbon,

Back to feeling ‘nothing’ again because

I’m fine. Time to paint the smile back on,

fine.