I'm going to start by saying I'm sorry. I didn't really have a choice here, I suppose, so perhaps my apology doesn't really mean much. But anyway. I was an asshole in life and that's what I apologize for. (Don't deny it, I was a jackass through and through. I'm not the person who wants to look at the dead through a rose-tinted window. Extend the same courtesy to me, because by erasing my bad features, you erase part of me.)
I'm not having one of those funerals. If "Wind Beneath My Wings" is there, I will figure out some way to reanimate my corpse from beyond the grave and smack you all, I swear to God. Being sentimental is overrated. By God, utilize my Pandora or Youtube account and play some good tunes. Use whatever station or playlist you want. But none of those crappy nineties songs that moan and groan about heartbreak.
I will, however, permit Celine Dion's classic, "My Heart Will Go On", if only for the memes. Do play "The Bad Touch" and "Shooting Stars". I unironically like 'em. Get a sermon in there, something rousing. Get hammered, throw a party. I wasn't a saint, Lord knows, so have a good time.
Death, to me, is one of those scary, necessary parts of life. It's an unknown. But it is part of a cycle, and I detest routines, so cremate me. Don't let the worms into my body, because that's gross and I'm not going to be an archaeological dig like 1,000 years from now. I forbid it. Toss my ashes on a biodegradable (read: toilet paper) boat, and send me off to sea. You can find something suitable. Tapioca paper. I don't care.
Now, for the individuals:
Mom- give the cats and dog my love, always. Get a St. Bernard or a Maine Coon in the house. I know Maria Lupita would die of hair, but do it.
V- take care of Tyr and Ares for me. Release Prometheus, his leg's about healed. You also get my collection of books and journal. Decimate and/or hurt any of them and I'll find a way to slap you.
B- win every medal you can in the NMLRA.
Dad- I'm sorry.
S- find every owl trinket you can get. Start a shrine. It'll be hilarious.
Em- figure out Pokemon for me, as I can't figure it out.
Ali- take every Harry Potter thing I own. You're nerdier than I am, enjoy it.
C- I owe you something, but I can't give it. But please do stupid shit in D & D and be the maddest lad ever to roam a medieval fantasy land. Chaotic neutrals always win.
And finally, P, get shit-faced and eat out buffets. You're worthy, and you know it.
Maria Lupita- our Deebot (aka off-brand Roomba)
Tyr, Ares- my blood gouramis
Prometheus- my grey tree frog