Regrets are a part of life. A life without them is impossible, let alone painful to live. Evading parts of life that are undesirable is a futile effort, and in the end, it’s not worth it.
Amma taught me that. She died young, with too many regrets to count. At least, that’s what she said.
My biggest regret, is that I never told her that I loved her. Granted, I was only 5 when her breaths faded, but old enough to say a few words. I wish I could have told her ”Amma, I love you.”
She told me so everyday, and she knew the feelings were mutual. But even then, that was something I wish I told her. She would have died in peace, knowing that she didn’t leave me alone and struggling.
And then my heartbeats waned too.
Now that we are both dead, I thought I would’ve gotten a chance to see her one more time. Maybe spend time with her. But it is not so. While I have graciously been granted another chance, she is nowhere to be seen. I will forget her once I am reborn, but I will spend every “waking” minute till then thinking about her.
Not that those minutes will last much longer.
This paper that I am writing upon, I hope it will be preserved for others to see. I don't want pity. I want them to know they are not alone. It is scary, leaving a whole life behind. But a new one stands before. And now, that must be my focus.
I am also hoping, with all my heart, Amma will see this someday.
I want you to know, Amma, I love you, and always will. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before.
I push myself
out of the thick seed.
It takes all my strength
but I am free.
Greener than spring grass
Fresher than morning dew
I am reborn
Rise, I hear the Sun say
Rise, my sapling.