Traitor

I am the traitor

I’ll admit it

I am a traitor

We say we won’t have any secrets

I still do

You tell me not to let any more shit happen again

I promise I’ll try

Because after all, I can’t guarantee

I’ll try as hard as I can

But I didn’t

I didn’t even shy away from the opportunity

I can’t even open up

My sense of being is wounded

And I treat it as a scrape

It’ll heal in silence

I guess

To hell with it

My best friend doesn’t know about my life anymore

She doesn’t know about my depression

Or that I was sexually assaulted

She doesnt know about the little things I know we could giggle about

About my harm

That I had a boyfriend

That I write

And I just wanna bash my head against the wall because

Goddammit she deserves to know!

I can’t just dump all this on her

I’d probably lose my best friend

So I’ll suffer the mental breakdowns alone

Fill the void of her presence with memories and music

Pretend she’s right next to me when I grace the field

With the freshly taped poles

And the brand-new silks itching for use

And the weapons silently sitting on the sidelines waiting for their turn

Pretend that I’m not slowly being replaced

That

I

Still

Have

A

Fighting

Chance

to maybe fix my life