decay

with the passage of years

a lot of things have changed:

i’ve lived a lot of life and learned a lot of things

but they didn’t make me feel the way i thought they would

and by virtue of these new experiences or perhaps despite them,

i no longer feel things as intensely

be that ecstasy or agony, and

i think this is what they call growth

but to me it feels synonymous with numbness

you chose this, you can change it

whispers a voice from inside my sinking stomach,

she wants to help me, she knows me

and i know she is right.

i can feel it in my bones; i am the one responsible.

yet still i am gagged and bound,

i cannot think and i do not know how to feel free again

i have this bounty of useless knowledge;

i know more than i could have dared i would

and i’ve lost the power to express it

the thought of writing what i’ve felt rattles me so thoroughly

i run from my will to create. i race away from my desires with reckless abandon.

a part of me misses those days

when i felt everything so much more acutely

my wounds far deeper and my joy

tumultuous, earth-shattering.

this proclivity for pain, however twisted,

meant there was so much of me left to hurt;

it scares me that i don’t know if this still holds true.

i wonder how that works

why knowing less allows us to be bold,

why the tender brashness of youth gave us such courage.

we grappled our way through this life

in blessed ignorance of our own naïveté;

our rage was volcanic

our love no less explosive and

we did not allow ourselves to be tamed.

and now that most everything has changed,

my head tells me

that every day makes me stronger

and every fight i lose makes me wiser but

maybe this is something i tell myself

to spurn the thought of hope fading from my heart, and maybe

jadedness is a part of something bigger

than the whittling away of time.

maybe reason and rationality are words i use to hide the fact that i give up more easily now,

i can’t bear the shame of admitting this and i don’t have the strength to fight it

so good thing we’ve made circumspection into a pillar of pride and progress,

good thing i don’t have to feel guilty

for walking exclusively on eggshells.

good thing this is normal,

good thing

being careful is all just part of growing up.