Happiness Is Terrifying
Happiness is terrifying.
Most days I find myself laying in bed, letting my thoughts overwhelm me. I stare at the white chipped wood of the door fearing someone will knock and pull me away from myself, but at the same time I just wish someone would push the door open. I wish even more that I could just get up and leave. Its such a simple thing to do, I could go on a walk, just to feel the outside air.
All I want to feel something other then the cold darkness that I have let myself stew in for months.
I wonder what the weather is like out there, I wonder if there is any sunshine left in the world. I wonder if there is color, or is everything still grey? The door is white, this room is black, I haven’t turned the lights on.
I haven’t turned the lights on since she left. I am afraid to open the door and see a world where she isn’t there. At least in this room I still have her picture hung on the wall. I am afraid to open the door to find a blue sky and green trees. I’m afraid to smell the pink roses because the last color I saw was red. The red was all she left behind.
The only other color I have looked at is the picture on my wall, the one of us together, her hair is golden like the sun and her cheeks are the color of roses. Her shirt is a light blue just like the sky she used to love.
I am afraid to go outside because after a week, the world forgot her. I am afraid to go outside because I don’t want to move on without her. I don’t want to leave her memories behind as I lead a newer life. I am terrified of being happy because she is gone, and she will never be happy again. I know I shouldn’t feel so guilty, it wasn’t my fault, but I do, because while I was outside embracing the world, she was inside. She was in here, taking her last few moments to reflect on our life, and she was not happy.
As scared as I am, I know I must go. My phone won’t stop going off, bills are piling up on the table. I have to go and show the people who claim they love that I am okay. I need to eventually find a way out of my head. I could leave here in the night, when the sky is black the only light would be obnoxiously white street lights. But one day I am going to have to face the sun and the blue sky. I will have to confront the inevitability that I will find happiness again. I will have to accept that the world is still full even in her absence.
Goodbye, my chipped door, and my thumbtacked photo. See you tonight my bed.
Hey there, sunshine, its been awhile.