Lucky (Part 2)
“1, 2, 3, 4, 5.”
I breathe out. I’m still here laying in blood that’s not my own. I close my eyes trying to remember when I stopped feeling pain. But to my surprise, I don’t remember ever feeling pain.
I don’t remember even being a kid. When was I born? Have I had a birthday party? Have I ever lost a baby tooth? I can’t answer any of these questions I ask myself.
The only thing I remember is existing. Just the concept of being. I wasn’t… then one day I was.
I haven’t felt heartbreak from a boy next door, or fear from the dentist bringing a strange, unknown tool towards my mouth. I haven’t felt regret. I’ve heard people say regret is the worse. Regret and guilt. That they can decay a living body. I wonder how many of these people around me have felt regret and guilt. Maybe they stole their parents’ car without asking or didn’t say goodnight to a loved one because they were mad. Maybe they bullied someone in their past and never said sorry, or didn’t hug someone who really needed it.
Suddenly while thinking of all these memories and feelings that I didn’t have, I felt a pull in my stomach. But that didn’t stop me.
I kept thinking, now about the people I’ve killed. Did they have kids? Kids who are going to miss their parents reading them bedtime stories and watching them do their homework after school.
Did they have a spouse? One who is now going to lay in a bed that seems too big for one person.What about their parents? Their parents who will probably feel like a piece of their heart died with their child.
I feel warm streams on my cheek. My eyes shaking and my body shivering, I sit up in this puddle of blood. I bend my knees towards my chest and let my head fall back. I feel like I’m shattering just like the glass around me. I feel like my skin is peeling and my bones are being grated into dust.
I start to feel sorrow, joy, rage and my blood is heating up, boiling, my skin is turning red in hives and rashes. I’m burning but yet shivering from the cold actions I’ve taken. My nails turning shades of brown and green and my toes rot but then numb like they’re not there.
I hug myself tightly, smiling through the pain.
Then it hits me... regret and guilt. They build up from my stomach and work there way into my mind. I see the scared faces of those whose lives I took. I begin to scream,
“I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY!”
I’m weeping just barely alive now. Feeling every possible emotion and all the pain from my past scars, bruises, and cuts.
The only thing in my mind is..
“I feel it.”
“I feel it now.”
I sulk and my body falls flat, weak, and broken. The sweet escape of death just seconds away. I close my eyes and wait. I take a deep breath in and count to five.
“1, 2, 3, 4, 5.”
How lucky are the fallen?