Just in Case

I'm working on being an athiest. I was raised Catholic and believed in god in a shallow sort of way. I was always uncomfortable in church and Sunday school. That condition filled me with shame and guilt, but the whole story never made sense to me.

Walking on water? Turning water into wine? Forgiving those, no matter the evil they have done, just because they ask? There is too much to say about this topic. Too many inconsistencies in the story, and no traces of the "truth."

As I grew, I tried to hang onto religion even with evidence of scientific fact. I even tried to reconcile religion and known scientific fact. A balancing act that I have finally given up on. Now what?

Why did anyone try to make me a believer in the first place? I guess I'll never know. Still, I feel as if I have been duped. I am a bit angry with those who imposed their fiction on me. I know they meant well, but they damaged me. I spent too much time hoping that my self-sacrifices would mean something. That all I had to do was believe and someday I would be rewarded. Meanwhile, the wicked win, but they are saved so no worries.

Most of the world's population believes in a divine power. I don't get it. That said, many things---from small transgressions to bigger atrocities---are committed with the belief that all one has to do is be "saved;" to act with imagined support of a higher being.

Most of the world believes in the lie. They perpetuate the lie.

My mind still thinks of god. I still think phrases like. "God only knows," and "Goddamn." I am trying to phase out those words. I worry that there is a god that is pissed off at me for my blasphemy, heresy, or whatever, but if that is the case, he hasn't said anything about that.