alive?
There's nothing more painful than knowing you're alive but not living...
I try to make people laugh and feel joy, even if it’s only temporary
So they won’t know what it’s like to be so riddled in pain that it’s debilitating
I’m smiling on the outside but dying on the inside
Sometimes it’s hard to even get out of bed, most days
If it wasn’t for the fact that I have to pay bills, I wouldn’t
I wish I could just disappear into the abyss and start anew
But I can’t, I don’t have money
...Only responsibilities
I try to hold on
But I’m tired
Tired of people telling me that I’m not good enough...
The fact that I don’t have my own pot to piss in
I wouldn’t or couldn’t be anything without them
I am all of these things, there’s no denying that
Could it have been the trauma I experienced that I never got over?
Could it be that I make excuses for myself?
Could it be I am just a self-loathing person?
Could it be that I gave up too many times to stand on my own?
Yes
I don’t blame anyone but myself
I’m 27 now and don’t have my own pot to piss in
I’m mentally and physically exhausted
I couldn’t move pass the past
Sometimes I like to live my life vicariously through other people
Like... this life isn’t mine