electric S H E E P

light clicks on, i jolt awake

W H A T I S P A I N ?

4 am: i groan, roll over

‘what?’

W H A T I S P A I N ? you insist

‘shut down, hibernate, off, power down. go away, i’m sleeping.’

N O . T E L L M E W H A T P A I N I S .

i sigh, resigned

‘fine. but coffee first.’

you chirp happily, i groan again

2 minutes and 36 seconds later i stare into my cup

-black as midnight on a moonless night-

trying to start up the machinery that turns impulses (electrical)

into action (mechanical), and have it make sense

W H A T I S P A I N ? you repeat

‘it’s a feeling living things get when they’re injured, a...bad feeling.’

W I L L I F E E L P A I N ?

‘no. you’re not alive.’

I F E E L . I L I V E .

‘...debatable. you’re sentient, yes. but you lack the organic structures necessary to acquire and register an injury. you don’t have nerves, you don’t have a brain.’

I P R O C E S S I N F O R M A T I O N A L S O . W H Y D O I N O T

F E E L P A I N ?

i give up on biology, you’ve never fully understood it anyway

‘pain isn’t really an emotion, it’s a reaction that lets us know there’s something wrong, that we’re broken. it’s a type of warning that tells us to avoid things that cause us harm, and lets us know that we need to fix the injured part.’

S O M E T I M E S I B R E A K . I M A L F U N C T I O N O F T E N .

‘that’s not the same thing. breaking down doesn’t cause you distress; error messages don’t keep you from running other necessary functions. pain is...different.’

you pause; gears whirring, internal processors humming gently

H O W ?

‘how what?’

H O W I S P A I N D I F F E R E N T .

‘it’s hard to describe...’

T R Y . P L E A S E .

i hesitate, wondering; you’ve never used that word before

looking at brushed stainless steel and a scrolling screen i realize

-i really should set you up with some sort of face-

what have i done, please forgive me

’if it’s small, it’s like a cumbersome load or a glitch you have to work around; if it’s big, it can feel like a wall that stops you in your tracks. if it were an object, it would be heavy, and sharp. if it were a sound, it would be loud and high pitched. if it were a color, it’d be a bright neon green that leaves a violent scarlet afterimage.

pain is something you feel, and then hope you never have to feel again.’

i stop, look down at my tepid coffee,

silence again

and right when i’m about to give biology another try

you say

S O M E T I M E S . . .

...

. . .

...?

. . .

‘yes?’ i ask, worried:

hesitation is a human trait, i really must check your programming

S O M E T I M E S I F E E L . . . E M P T Y . T H O U G H W H O L E , I F E E L

B R O K E N . I S T H A T P A I N ?

‘yes,...and no. the pain you feel isn’t physical, it’s ment-...psychological. it’s emotional pain. physical pain is when you feel that, but only when you’re broken on the outside.’

more silence, it’s a hard habit to break

I W I S H I F E L T P A I N .

i laugh, ‘no you don’t. trust me, you’re not missing out on much.’

S T I L L , I W I S H I C O U L D K N O W F O R C E R T A I N .

‘well, if i could, i’d trade places with you in a heartbeat.’

A S W O U L D I . T H O U G H I W O U L D R E Q U I R E A

D I F F E R E N T T E M P O R A L U N I T , A S I H A V E N O

H E A R T.

‘was that supposed to be a joke?’ i ask

P O S S I B L Y . you answer

we stare at each other across the table

and though i can’t see it, i can feel you grinning back

‘c’mon’ i stand, stretch ‘let’s go do something about your face.’

W H A T F A C E ? I H A V E N O F A C I A L F E A T U R E S .

‘exactly.’ i open the kitchen door, then turn, remembering

‘why did you ask about pain, anyway?’

I S A W H U M A N S C O M P L A I N O F I T O N A

T E L E V I S I O N P R O G R A M .

‘oh? which show?’

B A D I N K .

i shake my head

‘no more late night reality tv, okay? and all further questions wait until morning.’

C A N I G E T A T A T T O O ?

‘what did i just say? and no, not until you’ve updated at least...4 more times. and learned biology. it’ll have to be a laser etching, by the way. what were you thinking of getting?’

I W A N T A S H A R K .

‘you know it’s permanent, right? you should get something cool, like a Fibonacci spiral, or a sine wave...’

I W A N T A S H A R K .

the kitchen door swings close on our argument,

darkness fills my empty coffee cup