Insecurity

Disclaimer: Trigger Warning

Dear insecurity,

You are defined by the dictionary as uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence. He's wrong, because if that is what he defines you as I am certain that dictionary hasn't met you yet. I am confident he hasn't felt you yet. You're not just a word. You're not just an emotion. You're this inevitable evil, feeding off of our weaknesses.

I remember when we first met, you were so young, making me feel bad every once in a while, but that was it. Look at us now, 5 years later and we are no longer alone, and you are no longer young. Look at us now, as you slowly suffocate me, along with your unwanted nor invited friends, anxiety, depression, and even insomnia joined the party.

That dictionary hasn't heard my muffled sobs at the late hours of the night. That dictionary hasn't felt the tears slowly cascade down my cheeks. That dictionary hasn’t tasted the salty tears that fell upon my chapped lips. That dictionary hasn't seen the bloody tally marks marking my wrists counting down the days until you left, or maybe counting down the days until you drive me to my own death.

Insecurity, you ruined me. I stand in the mirror today as a teenager and yet I see nothing but a little girl cowering in fear, standing behind walls of steal in my mind attempting to keep you away. Unfortunately, you are not like everyone else who has failed to break down her walls, you are strong enough to turn her protection method into a jail cell.

I stand in the mirror feeling helpless as I watch the little girl cry in a corner, while you and your friends surround her, making sure to stay within the walls she built. She can tell no one. Her screams must fall on deaf ears going unheard, making sure her slow death goes unnoticed.

Dear Dictionary,

You want the real meaning of insecurity? Listen to the words that hide behind my laugh. Notice the dried tears behind my foundation and the dark circles under my concealer. See the pain in the spark of my happy eyes. Taste the blood coating my lip like lipstick from biting too hard as I try to maintain my composure in public.

Dear dictionary, meet insecurity, my favorite word to ever exist, because to everyone else it is uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence, while the real meaning, is something that can never be defined.