|stay alive|
You tried to kill yourself last night
well, not last night last night
but the wound in my chest is still so raw
pumping new blood
spilling forth over my entire body
enveloping me in a crimson trap
filling my mouth, eyes, lungs with ruby regret
You tried to kill yourself last night
My father told me this morning
She overdosed, he says
she was taken to the hospital, he says
she pulled through, he says
but all I could hear in his silent voice was
Why didn’t you do enough?
I could hear it ringing in my ears for months
like a gaping hole of pulsing wet guilt
sucking my blood straight from my chest
Why didn’t I do enough?
You texted me the night you overdosed
“I’m okay,” you told me
Why didn’t I hear your scream?
Why couldn’t I feel the claw marks you left?
lining the walls with red and reckless desperation
Why didn’t I ask again?
Why was “okay” good enough for me?
I was deaf to your cries of pain
I was blind to your tear-stained cheeks
Or did you feel nothing at all?
What numbness crept over you as you
filled your palm with white pills of surrender?
I couldn’t breathe
I felt as though the ceiling was coming down
above my head
the walls closed around me like a coffin
I remember texting you the day you were released
“Honestly, I’m okay,” you said
I’ve heard those words before
slipping over my own lips
green thick lies that dribble down over my chin
and down around my neck
coiled tight around my throat
Until
the noose
is
long enough
to
You tried to kill yourself last night
and I wasn’t there
Did you think of me?
Did you see the future?
I did
I saw the funeral
I saw the urn with gold lining
I saw the tissues upon tissues
I heard the weeping and the heart-felt speeches
that would never do you justice
Because simple words cannot contain the light
That lives within you
nor the darkness that consumes you from the inside
out
I saw myself
sitting on my bed
arms outstretched
fingers reaching for warmth that would never be found
never to be intertwined in my favorite pair of hands
I try to imagine what would have happened
If it was too late
and the psychology evaluation was replaced with an autopsy
Would it show up on the tests and screenings?
The disease that devoured you whole?
left you mute
left you crippled
chained to your bed, hands bound
Your skull full of static and cotton
spilling out of your ears like a bullet wound
Only it didn’t stop your heart
and somehow
that was the worst part of it all, wasn’t it?
Just let me die.
I’ve felt it
The static
I’ve filled my fist with relent
I’ve waved the white flag
At the time, why didn’t I think of you?
If our roles were switched
would you feel the gaping hole in your chest?
Would you suck this darkness through the thin straw of empathy
And allow it to consume you?
Why didn’t I do enough?
You tried to kill yourself last night
And it felt as though you tried to kill me too
Friend
Take hold of my hand
Grab tight
because your life depends on it
I won’t let you slip again
because you are home
We are on two edges of a cliff
Hands grasped together
clinging
hoping
Friend I love you
There are times when I tell you this
In a hundred thousand different tones and tongues
And it will never be enough
Because love like this can only be felt
And never spoken
Friend you are mine
Your life is not yours to take
It is not you who will mourn
My life is not mine
It is not I who will weep
At times it feels as though we share a single heartbeat
So friend hang on tight
I’ll hold you down
I will never let you fall
I will always catch you
Will you hold on to me?
I don’t want to go
Give me a reason to stay
Please don’t let me go
I don’t want to fall
I don’t want to die
I just want it to stop
You make me feel like breathing
You make me feel like living
You make me want to love
Friend don’t close your eyes
See the light in front of you
Hang onto it with everything you’ve got
Stay alive for me
Keep breathing
So I can tell you I love you every day
And maybe
Just maybe
One day
You’ll hear me