Wasting Time.

It seems that my entire life has been focused on trying to establish some sort of a future for myself.

Good grades were always "the key to a better future," so they were always a priority. At first, it was to please my family. In high school, so that I would get to college, and now...so that I could eventually get a good job, although I still have many years and numerous levels to pass. One of my bad traits is the fact that I can only focus on one thing at a time, where, once I see something, I don't see anything else. Academics and work were and still are the priority and everything else gets pushed aside for the sake of potential success.

I used to think that, after one semester, things would be easier and I'll have more time to enjoy myself and spend with others. But, it looks like I keep piling up work, classes, and extracurricular activities, making me constantly tired and busy. With that, my social life is almost nonexistent and, only once in a while, I spend some time with family and a few friends.

Sometimes, in my quest for a self sustained future, I pause, look back, and try to look forward. I always believed that, to get something, you need to give something in return. I've given my time, and, in a way, given up love. What if, after all the small efforts I've made, nothing happens and I fail?

After a certain age, a lot of time and effort is needed to cultivate and maintain relationships. Otherwise, everyone simply grows apart and the relationship is almost forgotten. Then, all the time I could've used to spend with those I cared about would have been given for nothing.

I often get a glimpse of the lives of my former classmates on social media. Many of them are married, have children, and some even have solid jobs. I am unattached with no "distractions", with no direction regarding what I'll do next year, much less the rest of my life. I wonder, maybe I should've spent time to work these things out? Maybe that's something that's more important than chasing success that might only be a mirage? I'm not getting any younger and life can be very unexpected and short. If I fail, then the only things to keep me company might be numerous weeping regrets.