fool’s gold and plastic diamonds

  It’s hard to convince yourself

that you don’t matter

it takes years, maybe decades

to build yourself a strong foundation of self-hatred

towering doubt and skyscrapers of insecurities

walls of criticism and ceilings of fear

and once you finish your castle of deprecation

you throw it to the sky

where it rests on the clouds and blends in with the blue

you lasso the sun and meld it into a chandelier

dazzling with diamonds and pearls and lies

and you take up a permanent residence

and you’re too afraid to leave the castle’s silver walls and rooms of gold

and your bed made of feathers

so high up in the sky

because maybe, just maybe

you will fall

so you stay holed up in your castle that you made just for you

where it’s safe

and something to cling to

to keep you from drowning in the seas of change below

and you think to yourself

“even if my life is falling to shambles

at least I will always have my castle.”

but sometimes

a lot of times

the castle you cling to will become

cramped.

too many thoughts crowd your space

until you can’t breathe and you can’t find a foothold

and soon

the seas of change will rise and flood in

and you begin to drown as it fills your lungs

after a while, the sea level lowers

and you retch up water until the water becomes red

and you look around your home

the ceiling drips and your furniture is molding

so you build it back up

“to its formal glory,” you tell yourself

but

as you grow older

and you become stronger

and all of the storms have passed

there comes a time when your castle begins to seem

dingy

and you realize the silver walls

are actually covered in rust

and your bed is nothing but bricks

your chandelier is full of spiders and rot

the floors are paved with soot

and you’re choking on dust

your castle of deprecation has always been in shambles

but the sun was always too bright to see it

cracks and leaks painted over with fool’s gold and plastic diamonds

but when night falls

you see the wreckage

and you see the things you were too blind to see before

so you tear down the silver walls and rooms of gold

you pull the chandelier to the floor

where it crashes with a brilliant shatter of sun beams

you light a match and throw it

burning the castle into smoldering embers

and the sky catches ablaze

and the clouds are in flames

it burns and burns and burns

until it’s nothing but dirt and ashes and smoke

choking the air around you

and you realize you’ve never breathed clearly until now

you will miss your castle, and the silver, gold, and chandelier

you’ll even miss the drowning and the water turning red

but slowly and surely

you build yourself a new home

it takes longer than the castle, and it will feel like centuries

you’ll get sore and bruised and maybe even bleed

blood and sweat and tears

your hands will become callused

and scars will begin to form

maybe even your hair will gray from the time passing

but finally, your home will stand

a modest house that’s not too modest

it’s not grand, and there’s no gold or diamonds

there is no chandelier, and no glittering pearls

and it’s right on the ground

but the walls are strong and the floor is sturdy

there are no cracks and the ceiling doesn’t leak

there are still some floods from the seas of change

but your head will forever stay above the water

because your foundation was built with care

a home built on love

a home built with love

you live there now

on the ground instead of on clouds

it’s set on a grassy knoll

and the sun shines bright right where it belongs

the sky is bluer than blue

and right in front

of your not-too humble abode

is a welcome mat

reading home sweet home.