Trigger Warnings

I've been sitting with a box cutter in my hand

For four hours, thirty-two minutes, and seventeen seconds

I'm thinking about how easy it would be

To glide the glinting edges across my arm

My wrists

My thighs

My stomach

To feel the rush of watching the crimson strips appear

To feel the sting of the metal

Four hours, thirty-two minutes, and forty-eight seconds

I push the blade in and out with my thumb

Methodically

They don't put trigger warnings on box cutters

Or commercials for knives

Or razors for shaving

They don't warn you, warn you that every time you see the blades

They don't warn you of the urges you begin to feel

A hunger that should never be satisfied

Four hours, thirty-three minutes, and six seconds

They don't put trigger warnings on words

The questions that are asked

The excuses that are made

To cover up your scars with sleeves of lies

I twist the box cutter in my hand

It wasn't supposed to be here, the box cutter

It should be locked away with my other tools of weapons

Weapons of self-destruction 

Thirty-three minutes, and fifty-eight seconds

I pull them out, one by one

A sharp nail

A thumbtack

A shard of glass

A broken coffee mug

I run my fingers over them, barely touching, just enough

Four hours, thirty-five minutes, and nine seconds

I want to embed them into my skin, every single one

I want to feel the pain, to mask something far worse

I want to drown my demons' screams

Even though I know they can hold their breath

Waiting for as long as it takes for the scabs to fade away

Into pale streaks of hatred

There are no trigger warnings for your own arms

Reminders of the times you were strong for too long

I put them back into their box, my weapons

Their sharp ends mocking me, screaming my name

Beckoning me closer

I close the box tight

Four hours, thirty-six minutes, and as long as I can hold on

I throw the box in the trash

This time, I will not fish it out in desperation 

This time, I will not give into the frantic cries

This time, I will not succumb to the addiction

This time, I will not let my own body become my trigger

This time, I will free myself from this prison

I am better than my pain

I am stronger than my pain

I am more than my pain

I am worthy 

I am resilient 

I am free