Finding My Crowd/ I would have thought...

  Finding My Crowd/I would have thought...

I would have thought that by now

I would have found my people

I would have found my crowd

My crowd with who I am fine being around

There would be an undeniable sense of belonging

A spirit of companionship, camaraderie and community

No questioning of loyalty because that’s a certainty

No doubt

I would have found my social circle

And been fully settled in

And gone past that awkward hurdle

Of gaining trust, understanding and acceptance

And knew who my closest friends are

I would have found persons who shared the same interests

Liked the same things

Possessed similar attributes and the same traits

All like-minded, creatively open and not one-sided

We would do basically the same things for fun

This is how I thought my race would be run

I would have thought by now

I would have found my feet

I would have found my place

I would have found my street 

Adulting instinctively without missing a beat

Excelling at every given task

And meeting each new feat

I envisioned a High speed chase

With success where I’m oblivious to defeat

Where the regrets of leaving my parents’ home

And standing on my own

Would by now at least retreat 

I would have thought by now

I would have found my path

I would have found my journey 

I would be making the most of every opportunity that comes my way

Because I was confident in my abilities and would seize the day

I would have fully grown

Grown and grown, but not just exponentially

In terms of stature, yeah 6 ft in height but a Giant in character

Also grown exponentially in terms of maturity 

Leaving no space internally for worries and anxiety

And graduated from self-pity and self-hatred

I would have thought by now

I would have been certain of

What I would be in the future career-wise

But I remain indecisive as to where I should specialise

I would be certain of what the future holds

So certain as if my goals were set in stone

Neither naysayers or self-doubts could break the mould

I would of my destiny be in relative control

I thought by now I would have found myself

I would have been walking in my purpose

I would have known the workings of my moral compass

What values were negotiable from those non-negotiable

Known what I stood for and what I believed in

By this time I would have been assured in what my worth was

I would have been comfortable in my skin

So comfortable I would be proud of my own twin

If I had one,

I know I would be proud of me and proud of him

I don’t know, I don’t know

I guess I would have thought that by now

My life would have been perfect

I thought my life would been just how teenaged me would have imagined

My adolescent existence should have been much different

It shouldn’t have been this unsightly mess

But that’s just the incomprehensible thing about life, I found for me

You can set goals to be achieved by certain time dates

You can have dreams to be realized and plan it to a T

But that’s no assurance that the proposed plot will stick to the script

Sometimes it’s a matter of your own doing

Sometimes it’s not, just an act of fate

In this transitional phase, growth occurs at varying rates

It’s inevitable so of course it’s expected to be somehow manifested

But it’s still an organic process to grow

Sometimes it’s linear- predictable, even and slow

Sometimes it’s exponential - very fast paced

But in any case,

It’s best if you try not to ascribe a fixed timeline or a set age

Focus on yourself because not everyone is on the same page

The best advice is that you just have to

Trust the Process.

(c) A.Williams, 2017.