Trying to Square With Tomorrow

I watched her face as she spoke calmly

Of her pending death.

Serene. Steadfast in faith.

A firm grip on hope.

Resolved to meet the end with a dignified,

Unworried ease.

Once, I thought I could do the same,

But self consumes me now.

I don’t want to leave this world.

Too early.

Not ready to consider my wife lying

In the bed of another.

Not ready to abandon our fleshly passions.

Don’t want to miss my children

Graduating, marrying, parenting,

Little feet pitter pattering again across our floors.

Want to finish that novel

with the thin layer of dust on my nightstand,

See the sequel to my favorite movie from last year.

Anxiety grips me at any contemplation of my own death.

I avoid the reality with assorted “La La La’s.”

Turn up the TV, music, streaming video clips,

Assume some menial task,

Anything to distract,

To disengage my brain from

Thoughts of a Providential God

Whose plans I do not know,

The uncertainty

Terrifying,

My inability to muster courage,

Demoralizing.