So, it’s the end of the world.
I'm usually a pretty calm, collected person (except when it comes to memes and other modern modes of artistry) but today has been very testing.
Today was the beginning of what I'm assuming is the Zombie Apocalypse, and I saw Marvin die wearing his The Walking Dead t-shirt while walking back from the coffee shop. Which makes sense. The undead are known to be fond of irony (especially skeletons, zombies coming in a close second) so they're probably intentionally targeting the people wearing stuff like that.
Ninety percent sure.
Anyway, I should have known this was coming. My friend Juda is a level-fifteen vegan, and being such, has the ability to receive premonitions through dreams when he sleeps with a leaf of Blessed Kale under his pillow. He told me this would happen when I went to pick up the artisan, cherry wood ouija board I asked him to make me.
So, right now, I'm boarded up in my apartment baking cinnamon rolls because the ouija board told me that zombies can't stand the smell of them. And after that it said something in a different language.
"Esurio mortale gustus carnis."
Just that phrase, over and over. Okay I'm gonna look this up...Okay so this app says it's saying "I hunger, mortal, for the taste of sinful flesh," repeatedly in Latin. Well that's nice. And kind of kinky... I think I'm gonna just put the board away.
Well the cinnamon rolls are almost done, and I think it's working. Not a single zombie has come down my hallway, even though I can hear gunfire coming from the room above me and the sound of screaming from the one below. I guess I don't have to pay her hospital bill anymore though, which is nice. Must suck to be on crutches during the Apocalypse. Sorry about breaking your leg, Taryn.
This whole apocalypse thing hasn't been too bad for me actually. Marvin From the Corporate is dead, I don't have to go to work tomorrow, and I just saved a couple hundred bucks. In fact, there's just one thing that bothers me, and that's the fact that the world is ending via zombies. Like, really Universe? You decide the world is gonna end and you choose the most cliche way to make it happen. BORIIIING. Why not aliens with giant cats that hunt humans like mice, or an army of sentient food? You could literally have chosen anything.
And this is what we get.
Well, I'm tired so I'm going to put a butt-ton of cinnamon on these rolls, leave 'em on a hotplate, set them by the door, and go to bed.
Universe, there better be something better than zombies trying to kill me tomorrow, or I'll kill myself just to spite you.