Remembering the Good

Not every memory is bad

And I tell myself this when it all becomes too much

The remembering

The reminiscence of time gone by that branded me

The abused one

And it gets me through when I'm in fetal position

Staring out over the balcony into this new world

Where I'm to be the adult that was never modeled

I think about these moments and revisit them

A constant redemption when I feel life is too ugly

I remember pinky kisses, finger to finger

And kisses sent via air mail

Dodging them with giggles

But knowing full well I can't evade them

He told me so himself

He said it always finds its way to my cheek

Where it plants itself and grows

Never to be rubbed away or uprooted

And I loved that notion

If only his roots grew just as deep

And it would have been harder for him to leave

I remember his Donald Duck voice

and playing Trouble on the living room carpet

He would read the newspaper and sing to me

"Doctor, Doctor, Give me the news

I've gotta bad case for loving you."

And I would laugh and think he was talking to me

and the news was that I loved him too

And he was waiting to hear it

And I would never disappoint him

I remember his work room in the basement

Where he would often sleep after an hour of raised voices

And I worried he would be cold down there

So I would bring him extra blankets from the couch

And I'd sit on his bench as he carved wooden birds

Which I'd cradle in my arms, so proud of the detail

And of my father the artist, the creator of beautiful things

On the occasions when he wasn't creating fear in my heart

As for her

I remember purposefully avoiding sleep

Creeping down the steps with excuses of bad dreams

So I could curl up next to her on the couch

and watch Dateline NBC with a glass of milk

and her famous cream cheese sandwich

And as they worked out the mysteries of the world

I worked out how this must be the definition of love

The perfect recipe for a goodnight's rest

and an excuse to get more forehead kisses

the kind you can still feel as you drift off to sleep

I recall walking through the sliding doors

somewhere in a big rural warehouse

and being greeted with the soft peeps

and the smell of pine wood chips

We grabbed a cardboard box

picking out ten chicks to take home

And I kept thinking how lucky I was

That she indulged us in responsibility and fuzzy friends

She understood how important it was

Or perhaps they were to appease her own guilt

For hardly spending time with us

I feel the need to remember all this

The things that made them human

Those bits of thawed heart that hadn't succumbed to the freeze

Instead of only remembering the monster's I see in fits of sleep

when I feel like they might have found me

I remember the good things

And try to understand how those hands that built me

Became the ones that tried to deconstruct my pieces

And I can't ever get to the knowing part

Only the part that continues to seek out the good

I have to know that there is something worth keeping

Even when most of it rotted through to the center

I have to believe there is good in everyone

Even if it didn't win