I Loved Him at Hello

I would finally meet him. I could hardly sleep from anticipation, and the pitter-patters of my heart quickened from thoughts of his arrival. It’s been almost a year since we were first introduced and yet I still didn’t know him, never meeting face to face, but I knew he could feel my heart beat.

Our first encounter was by chance; wasn’t planned at all. I fought with the idea of pursuing the relationship, but my heart was ready for him. I needed him so I decided to let him stay. I prepared my mind as well as my bed. For weeks I would get stomach pains, fearing that something wasn’t right—timing mostly. I was twenty-one with a whole lot of living to do and I was, undoubtedly, in deep. I put on face and decided to get to know him. I talked to him everyday and every night; trying to forge a bond with the one who loved me unconditionally, even without my asking. I tried selflessly to love back. And even though I didn’t at that moment I knew in time I could—in time I would.

Months went by and I started to change. Everyone noticed. “You’re glowing” some said while others asked knowingly, “what’s his name?” I smiled because I was supposed to—women smile when they find love. Love is a gift that not all have the luxury of experiencing, yet I had it right at my fingertips. I hated not feeling what I knew he felt, what everyone else felt, and for not seeing what everyone else saw. Especially when watching women in a similar position who’ve never met their special someone yet they loved them. They said it out loud and expressed it with their body gestures, caressing themselves from thoughts of meeting, while I stood cold. I continued to change on the exterior (I couldn’t hide him), but my interior stayed the same.

One tranquil day in May everything changed. Ten long months passed and I arose knowing there was nothing I could do to prevent his coming, so I hoped with my whole heart that I could love him the same. I raised my head despite the fear and sat patiently waiting to hear my name, terrified by the thought of screwing this up, now and in the future, knowing that I only had one chance to get it right—I shook.

I pushed through the negative thoughts of potential failure and possible mistakes; I pushed through the pains of my past and the perceived missteps of the women before me. I pushed, he arrived, and I said hello….