Happy Halloween, everyone!

Halloween is without a doubt my favorite holiday next to Christmas. And what better way to celebrate such a spooky holiday than to review a spooky movie. The long-awaited Five Nights at Freddy's.

Five Nights at Freddy's is a horror film based on the popular video game franchise of the same name. The film stars Josh Hutchinson, Elizabeth Lail, Piper Rubio, Mary Stuart Masterton, and Matthew Lillard. The film centers around a troubled security guard named Mike (played by Josh Hutchinson), who takes a night-time job at Freddy's Fazbear's Pizza, a family entertainment center that has been abandoned since the 1980s. Upon taking the job, he quickly learns that the four main animatronic mascots — Bonnie, Chica, Foxy, and Freddy Fazbear — come to life on their own, and have a thirst for murder. I mean, what would you expect from animatronics that are possessed by the souls of murdered children, am I right?

I'll first start off by stating that I am not a fan of the Five Nights at Freddy's video games. I've only ever played the first one and even then, I never understood why people were so into it, and still are to this day. Maybe it's the fact that so many Youtube gamers showed off different videos of themselves playing these games and seeing their reactions is what draws people to these games.

A film adaptation was announced almost a decade ago, but has been in development hell for a while, until now. Now that the Five Nights movie has been released I can say that this movie was terrible, but goddamn did I have some fun watching it.

There really aren't too many positives for this movie. I'll give it this, the movie was funny. Goddamn, I laughed so hard at this movie. But that is also serves as the biggest problem. While it's meant to be a horror movie, there were too many moments that had me laughing at the movie, not with it.

Which leads me to the real issue with this movie: it's not scary. You would think that a game mainly famous for its jumpscares would help motive the writers to try to come up with a few of their own. But no, the "scares" are so few and far between and they barely get a reaction out of me.

The story is very predictable too. Any sort of "twists" or "revelations" that this movie had in store for its audience I saw them all coming. Could the story be any more linear? Hell, if you've casted Matthew Lillard in your movie, you already know he's going to be secretly a killer. We've all seen Scream before. It's nothing new.

The characters are also bland as hell. We spend so much focus on Josh Hutchinson's character without any real reason to care for him. They tacked on the idea that he's looking out for his kid sister (played by Piper Rubio), and the fact he's desperately searching for information to what may have happened to his lost little brother. But in the end, I just don't care. He's not very interesting, and he barely expresses himself aside from maybe two different emotions. There is also a police officer (played by Elizabeth Lail) who is supposed to have a connection with Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, but her main purpose throughout the movie is to dump dialogue to the audience.

But despite this movie being terrible, I did have a good laugh about it. Honestly, this movie is on par with say Manos, the Hands of Fate or Samurai Cop. A movie so bad that it's entertaining. Besides, I get the feeling that this movie made to cater towards fans of the franchise, which mainly consists of kids, teens, and Youtube gamers. This movie was for them, not for me, despite trying so hard to appeal to newcomers of the franchise. So if you're a fan of these games, this one's for you. If you're looking for something stupid and fun, then enjoy your stay at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza.

Positives:

-I laughed so hard at this movie

Negatives:

-Predictable story

-No real scares

-Bland characters

Final Grade: F

So those are my thoughts on Five Nights at Freddy's. Have you seen it? What were your thoughts on it? Have you played any of the games? What are your thoughts on those? Please be kind, leave a like and comment, and check out more reviews here on Prose!

Best Quote:

Mike Schmidt: "What's the pay?"

Steve Raglan: "Not great."

#harrysituationreviews #film #opinion #horror #videogame #ThisMovieSucks

Is the Exorcist still scary? Well, it has been twenty something years since I last saw the movie, but I’ve seen it twice and I can honestly say that the movie trips over its own dogma so much I can’t be scared. I can suspend disbelief only so far especially when a film contradicts the beliefs and/or superstitions that are the basis of the whole plot.

Demon possession in Judeo-Christianity isn’t much talked about. However, Jesus casts out demons and tells the suddenly sans demon person to go and sin no more. In another instance JC says something to the effect that once cleansed of a demon, one must be careful to avoid sin, or they will invite even more demons in if they go back to their old ways. So, the common demoninator here is sin. A person must sin to be possessed. Keep this in mind.

Okay, so in the Exorcist, little Regan (yes, I had to Google her name) is a tween with a bit of a demon problem. Enter plot hole the size of a 747! If one adheres to the Judeo-Christian dogma the film leans on, a child isn’t accountable for their sins until a certain age. The exact age isn’t given in either the Bible or the Torah which is bloody inconvenient. Then again, what is religion other than a collection of vague notions that are open to interpretation which eventually screws someone over. The Catholic church gives first communion around 7 or 8 years old which is seen as a marker of spiritual and moral responsibility. Amongst the Jewish people, the Bat/Bar Mitzvah celebrated at the age of 13 is seen as a sort of age of accountability.

So, exactly how much sin can a seven-year-old (earliest estimate of accountability) get into to invite demon possession? Did she cheat at Hungry-Hungry-Hippos? Did she become a Barbie Dream House slum lord? Did she copy the kid sitting next to her at school’s spelling test? At the later age more tween side of things, did she kiss a boy or a girl against her mom’s wishes? Did she steal mom’s makeup? The movie was made in the 1970s so did she have naughty thoughts about Donnie Osmond, Mick Jagger, or Leif Garrett? COME ON! Outside of murder, no kid at that age can commit enough sin to warrant becoming a demon Airbnb. They can’t drive, buy porn or beer, see a R-Rated movie by themselves, and their curfews are too early! Sorry, I’m not buying the little girl demon possession thing. Based on the movie’s adherence to the Judeo-Christian belief system regarding possession, it doesn’t make sense!

There is another issue with the

Exorcist. What exactly can a 12-year-old do possessed or not when they’re strapped to the bed? Okay, spew split pea soup, make the bed rise, and turn her head 360 degrees. Even if the kid escapes, they’re kind of screwed because at the end of the day they can't operate without parental guidance. The kid and by virtue of its parasitic nature, the demon needs to eat and unless said demon has some kind of side hustle, they’re dependent on mom for food, shelter, and clothing. I could imagine mom saying something like, “Don’t you turn your head 360 degrees at me young lady! You cost me a fortune with the last chiropractor bill. You will stop spewing the green stuff all over my clean floor! Now, make the bed rise so I can vacuum under it!” If the demon wants some Cocoa Pebbles later, it’d better toe the line and lift the bed.

So, no, the Exorcist didn’t scare me then or I would guess now. It’s hard to be afraid of something that tries to stand firmly on a premise while simultaneously trying hard to undermine that premise. My wife will tell you I am NO FUN at horror movies because folklore is a hobby of mine, and I will pick the monster apart based on its origin. Slasher movies don’t scare me either. I watched 3 cesarian sections and if you can handle that and the smell of flesh burning because of the blood vessel cauterizer slasher movies are nothing. If you want to see scary turn on the 6 o’clock news. Four time bankrupt (so far), bully, hate mongering, treasonous, draft dodging, perpetually lying, sexual predator, narcissistic, former reality show host trying to become president AGAIN, the Kardashians, and constant discussion about Taylor Swift’s dating life, now that is scary!