Some people have butterflies in their stomachs, but I have a monster. When others butterflies flutter my monster roars. It has many hands, long bony hot fingers that scorch anything it touches. It starts with the heart, wrapping its long fingers around it until the heart begins pumping faster and faster trying to get free. Then another hand claws the trachea pinching the airway almost closed. As my heart beats harder, I gasp for breath barely choking an inhale before inhaling again. My heart burns from the scorching fingers and my lungs scream for air. The monster moves to my head. It begins whispering in my ear, "what if.." " how could you.." "-embarrassing-". As I hear these thoughts the air becomes thicker and thicker barely coming in at all. The monster puts its hands over my eye. The room spins in and out of focus turning around me as I lie there, a crumpled heaving body. The monster has won.

I hate the monster, and I hate the people who try to tame the monster telling me to relax when the monster doesn't care what they say. But most of all I hate the people with butterflies, who could never understand what it's like to have a monster.

I used to have a huge storm inside, lightening striking from a deep grey cloud. The most striking part of the storm was the rain. Heavy sheets of water streaked through the sky. Rivers flooded, water levels rose, and people sprinted with newspapers covering their head as the rain soaked into the fine layers, wilting the paper and water dripping from the corners. Everyone thought the rain was the worse: the sopping shoes, constant gloom and puddles. Until the rain stopped amd simply dried out. And you can't have a storm with no rain. But the storm was the fuel. Everyone rejoiced when the storm went away, but what replaced it was exponentially worse. As the rain slowed to a sprinkle and the lightning began to subside, the storm clouds began to fade away, but there was no sunshine to replace it. Just pale grey clouds encompassing the sky. You could see no break or sliver in the sky. The grey sheet seemed to stretch on forever. And the misery that came with it, was a whole new level of anguish. There was nothing. No meaning, no flicker of emotion or light that used to once strike from rolling clouds. All sounds were muffled squeakes compared to the roaring thunder. And the rain, that once gave purpose and hustle, had evaporated away. There is no motive, no hurry, no passion. All drive disappeared with the rain. Now there is just fluid and endless stretch of misery. I am like the storm. Just like the storm, I used to have furvor, passion, and drive, but now my mind is an endless abyss, desperately waiting for a flicker of emotion--a flicker of a storm.

This isn't just the mix of ketchup and mayonnaise.

It is exactly 1/3 mayo and 2/3 of ketchup

the perfect shade of blush pink

It is eaten with everything-french fries, meatloaf, fish, chicken

It is 3 year old me going to a restaurant and asking for sauce but being disappointed when they don't bring out pink sauce

It is my baby sister going to the bathroom on a train and seeing an "SOS" button

carefully sounding it out

and reporting back that there is a sauce button in the bathroom.

This is the sauce that makes everything better with the color pink and fish sticks

My friends and I shuffled into the bathroom door in our white dresses and clicking heels. We reapplied blush and lipstick, flipped our hair, and double checked there was no food in our teeth. This little 3 toilet, black and white tiled bathroom pretty much summed up my middle school experience. I was a regular early arriver to school and so was my best friend. Instead of sitting in the middle school commons, awkwardly sitting on the hard floor for thirty minutes, we slipped into this bathroom. We gossiped and giggled and took mirror selfies in our uniforms. Somehow, we never got caught. Every year before picture day, we would run into the bathroom and brush our hair and put on our mascara. Every day during the frigid winter, we hid inside this bathroom during our two breaks so we didn't go have to go outside. A teacher stood right outside this bathroom patrolling the hallway and making sure everyone was outside. If anyone came inside, we took our places-2 people in the stalls and 2 people washing their hands. I was always at the left sink. We definitely got caught here. On bad days, we would hide our phones in our sweaters and run to this bathroom to call our moms to pick us up. And occasionally, we would steal a donut from the teachers lounge and eat it together inside a stall, powdered sugar covering the floor. Today was our last day in this bathroom. We were finally graduating to highschool. Everyone would split off and we might never see each other again. There might be another bathroom, but it will never be the same 3 toilet, black and white tiled bathroom with powdered sugar on the floor.

I came from that steel city

that 446 bridges city

that 30 sky scrapers city

That famous Point State Park city

I came from that little neighborhood

The daily rides on the little red incline

the daily slides on the big blue slide

the daily visits to have matzo ball soup

I came from that perfect house

with the red and white room

with the scary laundry shoot

with the little sister sleeping

I grew from that two-year-old girl

who loved reading upside down orthopedic books

who loved tutus

who loved sesame street

To that girl who loved reading right side up books

who loved Steelers games

who loved art

who loved her sweet sister

who loved her tomboy self

I came from Mr. Roger’s neighborhood

From Squirrel Hill

From Pittsburgh

From Pensilvania.

I am Sam

Yes I am

Green eggs and ham

I know this will give you a laugh

and you won't pick this funny path

to win

but as I am only here

not for mere win

but for making for glee

in this uncheery

flee!

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I hope everyone has a terrific day and summer! Stay safe and healthy! Be kind!

First comes life

A new leaf

a fresh start

turning and twisting

gyrating and swirling

swishing and spinning

as the only thing you can cling onto is hope

problems swelling

like a pink bubble gum

smaller

then bigger

then they Pop!

Then something happens when the world comes to an end

a new lifetime

yet for enternity

another leaf

with no end

with no start

having a life but no heart

they could be souls

spirits

or gouls

or new people

or angles

but all that we have desided is...

interity is after the life of the earthlings

either a circle of lives

or a new way

yet it continues

on.....

and on.........

and on.................