She is cold.

She is boundless.

She is blue.

She is smooth

She is whatever she needs to be.

Uncried tears sting like acid dripping down the back of my skull into my esophagus. I swallow the lump in my throat and swerving the steering wheel, I turn the right blinker off, switching the left blinker on.

ke-tah, ke-tah, ke-tah.

The rhythmic clicking calms me down. I do not know where I am going, but it can't be home because you are there. It's not your fault, nor is it mine, but somehow everything feels wrong.

Last night you asked me, "Do you want this?" and I said, "I'm still here so of course, I do," as if my mere existence was proof enough for desire. But, we both know that isn't really an answer.

The truth is I don't know. I haven't been able to think clearly since before we started dating, my brain being smothered by a fog of unexplainable doubt. You understood this and felt the same as we ebbed and flowed during the long time we have been together, though it feels like a blink of the eye romanticizing retrospectively.

We've been putting up a balancing act of mortar construction on top of our heads while others watch in amazement as we seem to have a magnificent blueprint. And, we truly have built something beautiful that I'm proud of for myself and for the world to see. Lately, sometimes it just feels like bricks are falling and I don't know how to keep standing and building up what has fallen.

I'm now driving through the countryside with the only light in sight being my headlights. That song on the radio hums in the background saying things I realize I'm too scared to tell you. . . maybe we're meant to be, just not made to last.

But, if the former is true, I instinctively can't give it up: this is too important, you are too important. So instead, I go on a drive once in a while, swathed up in encompassing layers of darkness where I can cry and care too much about my feelings until I come to the realization once again that I care about you more.

I drive back slowly to the intersection where I was before and signal the right blinker. I come through the front door with a sheepish smile, and when I see your eyes, the anticipation of my homecoming, followed by concern as you read me, I know my truth is with you.

They say to find someone who can hold you with just their eyes, and that's what this moment feels like. I've made the right turn and I say to greet you, "I'm home."

through your eyes,

I'm standing tall

balanced

gazes rest but never falter

I'm walking in large strides

confident

stares arcing somewhere beyond

I'm approaching swfitly

unwavering

vision honed in on you

but I know you don't see me through your eyes

People always say, "Life is an adventure."

That may be the truth, but at best, its half of it. We can choose to go on a venture. We travel over a never-ending bumpy, irregularly-widthed terrain with sharp turns, large rocks, and monsters that chase us and follow us at our heels. We will always try to conquer them if we can and move forward, but where to? This question is up to the venturer.

Will you be the prince charming who saves the princess from that fire breathing demon?

Will you be the selfless apothecary who finds the life-saving herb to save a poor soul after trekking the mountains of the world?

Or maybe you will be the villager. A simple man or woman who just wants to live a quiet life and raise a family. No venture for you, and that is just fine too.

However, if you choose to embark on a venture there must be a Dream. Something that inspires the awe in you. Something you can feel in your heart, making it expand and warm up, like a hot-air ballon, lifting your frame almost off the ground. It will protect you, and that's the only way you'll make it through. Regardless of your success in the end, just going on the venture will give you stories of survival, strength, luck, and laughs.

So before you set off down that twisted streak of a road, pack your dreams. After all, a venture without a dream is no adventure.

We live for anticipation, but the unanticipated events usually teach us more. It was a normal day. I was riding the train back from New Haven. It was a fully booked train, but I was able to snatch a window seat. I hoped I would be able to sit alone since people can be loud and distracting. However, within a few minutes, a normal looking old American man who looked in his 60s plopped down next to me. Since there were no views to see anyway, I decided conversation might be nice.

Our conversation:

"Which stop are you getting off?" I smiled and asked.

"Philadelphia to visit a friend." He replied.

"Oh, cool." I said.

"Yeah, I was just in Boston for a cacao conference. Where are you off to?"

"I'm riding to the last stop, Washington. Cacao, like the bean?" I was intriguied.

"Yes, I am a cacao farmer in El Salvador." He said.

"Are you from El Salvador?"

"Nope." He smiled.

"Then how'd you get there?"

"I met a girl. Her family owns the business. I actually grew up in Virigina."

"Really, I live close to there."

Out of his pocket he pulled out two cacao beans, handing one to me and said, " You can eat these raw too. They have a nutty flavor, it grows on you." He peeled the skin and ate it.

And so on, we ended up talking about his trip to Antartica and he gave me some life advice. Growing up in a place like Virginia, most people don't have wild ambitions, but you never know where life will take you. The most important thing is to keep an open mind.

Vaccination should not be a question. There is not a single solid piece of scientific evidence about them harming people. At their worst, they’re ineffective, but it is always better safe than sorry. Vaccines are the best way of preventing the spread of disease, and have caused major epidemics to turn into small outbreaks. Anyone who doesn’t vaccinate their child, is not only exposing their children to risk of infectcious disease, but also risking the health of cancer patients, people with immune problems, and seniors. Not to mention not getting vaccinated puts other kids who at risk, since unvaccinated kids can carry diseases. With that said, vaccines are the obvious choice to protect the health of the community.

** These are my two inner monologues on days that just aren't for me.

Waking up, I open my eyes. Yesterday was the worst day, and the last couple weeks have been just as bad. No motivation, no accomplishment, just me watching my life spin out of control. There's nothing for me out there. I'm a failure. I just want to stay here and the world will go on just fine without me.

Maybe if I get up and live my life like I'm fine, everything will just go away. Almost everyone wears a mask anyway. Fake it till you make it, right?

Funny joke, of course I won't make it. I've been wearing this mask for too long, keeping it in. At first it seemed to work, but now its tearing apart, and chaos and pain are about to be set free.

You're stupid, everyone has their problems. Don't be a baby, and get your butt out of bed. You're lazy and ungrateful. You could be doing things with your life, not just laying here.

I know that. But at the same time I can't help the way I feel. If I get up, I won't be able to accomplish anything anway. Don't be so harsh on yourself, gosh.

The world spins so fast everyday, and there's no stopping. Life is like a marathon where everyone is a racer with a mask, hiding their weaknesses. You are allowed to slow down, take a breath, and take your mask off, but you must keep moving. Today may not be your day, and tomorrow may not be either, but one day, things will change, and you will sprint. It's time to get up, and try your best. You can take it slow today, but just lying here won't do anyone any good.

With that said, I drag my heavy body out of bed and start the day. Knowing that it's not my day, but also not time to give up.

Jealousy is a green monster that sneaks up on you when you least suspect it.

It breaks up friendships and relationships. Even when you don't express it, it still affects you. A twinge of jealousy towards your friend can lead to hours of contemplation and guilt later on. Now where does this jealousy come from? Is it built in to humans the way breathing is? Or is it a learned trait from the environment? Natural selection and survival could be the root of the problem, but then it should be able to be turned off when it's not necessary.

I believe that jealousy is fostered by the environment. In this day and age, everything is competitive from college to careers. Everyone is fighting for survival no different than how is was in the prehistoric days. It's just all hidden now. Jealousy has adapted, it now wears a mask. A friendly face that behaves itself. When triggered by a threat, its ugly green face peeks out and bites the threat in the nose. Or, it just remains inside, building and building, until one day, it releases.

Not everyone is jealous, and some more than others. Some people are just easygoing or have really big hearts. They aren't all about competition, and haven't been sucked in by society's pressure and expectations. I wish I could say I am one of those people. But, I'm not. My green monster lies somewhere deep inside. I may feel the jealousy, but I know it's wrong, so I shove it deeper until I no longer feel it.

~A poem about childhood~

Happy happy cicadas, cicada-ing so free

I think I spot one, up in the pine tree

They’re messengers of summer, with many stories to tell

They leave gifts for small children, in the form of their shells

Their familiar sounds, bring so much delight

Except on those

starless,

sleepless,

nights.

I lay in my bed, my thoughts so deep

Wishing all cicadas fell silent in a heap