I have tasted the rain

Falling

         e

         n

         t

         l

         y(ou too have tasted watched the stars)

And deadly,

Both

Flooding the senses

                           (ense this;

                            It is general

                            Consensus

                            That we will ache

                            In life)t

                                      e

                                      r

                                      n

                                      a

                                      l

                                      l

                                      y.

I have tasted drops formed from

Mo         ai

      u    t       n

         n              s,

And dew formed upon

g    g    g    g    g

r     r    r     r    r

a     a    a    a    a

s     s     s    s    s

s     s     s    s    s(teady yourself.

You can bend

And also mend)

That grows

Taller than I do(not compare).

I aspire to be such grass,

Even as I taste rain

That

t m u o l s t u u l u y

Drowns even the ocean

(I fear the water

But oh I know it is passionate).

It waters these roots

                            (u

                             n

                             will come again)

And I fasten myself further

And my limbs Ache such an Ache

And it is in the Aching

That I am

Making myself(or the

B   eaking

   r

never lasts)

And I follow my mothers

(the mothers, the daughters, how holy are our

Spirits)

Who have bathed in the rain.

Earth is a woman of virtue leading the raindance

jump love song

Within the stars(hethey have watched the stars

                                                                      o

                                                                      eagerly)

And I am a mere virgin born from her and Mercury,

Virgin to myself,

My messages,

My rains(o many are yet to come.

So many have been weathered),

My pains.

So it seems.

My hair has turned green

And I find new names

And grow gr

                    a

                        s

                            Strong roots

(They say it is greener

But familiar dewdroprains

Scale the blades of our eyes

With Emerald hues if we open them)

When I practice

(oh it takes practice.

All in due time) the raindance

jump love song.

The first time I walked upon train tracks, I felt like a train

No matter how loud, heavy and visible I appeared

People pretended not to see me

They saw animals on the road

Bugs under their shoes

Still nothing

What a lonely life

I don’t remember having friends, I’m not sure what thats like

However

I’d rather bear this burden alone

Best to be alone and one

Two would be twice as horrible

Imagining someone to talk to, share the sights and the sadness

I think, what if they could no longer go on

I’ve been on my own all my life as much as I can conceive of it

Who would even want to wander with me

I have no conversation, they’d at least expect wisdom

Someone would wonder why I couldn’t provide such illustrious sentiments and ideas of what I’ve seen

Yes, best to be alone

Because for that, I have no answer for what I do

I just keep going, it is my purpose

Although I am constantly in presence

It is rare I am engaged

When one beckons me

It is not my job to come

It is my job to wait

Waiting all the time

Alone

One day, I met a man

Old like the others I usually find

He said, “It’s nice to see you. I believe you met my wife last month.”

I smiled, his wife was lovely. Old like him but light like a child.

I saw them walking together for years until she came alone

He seemed like someone I could actually talk to

I asked him, “Why does everyone ignore me?”

he glanced around one last time,

and assured me I shouldn’t be offended, he said:

“Nobody wants to die.” 

//I feel this needs a little bit of background info for those that don't know me, and that is simply this; my memory might as well be non-existent.//

These fingers that I type with,

Words pouring from a mind

I call my own,

Are quite well known.

I like to keep my nails

Long;

It has been a few months

(Was it weeks?)

Since they had been painted,

And then the fingers I painted with

Were well known.

(I thought there was a scar there?)

I remember 

Painting them years ago

(I was quite well known)

With designs 

Such a young mind could make.

These fingers 

Pound at the keys;

I should let up,

I think

(On myself?)

For they are battered

(No,

The stranger)

And it is cold 

(Her gaze is absent)

As these nails glide on the ice.

My gaze(her gaze,

hidden)

Is tired,

As tired as these fingers;

They have known so many 

That are now strangers

(For my mind,

It whirls about)

And long forgotten

Until they are renewed once more

     stranger.

Cast your shadows,

Woman of my time

And girl of my youth,

For my fingers might know you

(Introduce me to your friend!)

But my mind cannot recognize,

Only remember,

Pound at the keys,

With the keys(let me

     in

to learn who you are).

Surely you know 

Fleeting glances on the street,

Gazing at the man

In the torn jacket,

The girl with a black coffee.

I know fleeting glances

At strangers such as these,

And how I long to meet them,

For each time I see them again

(I remember once when you were ten...

     I do not.

But tell it 

A

Gain)

I ponder who they are

(These stories give me false memories,

For I am a stranger to me)

And how these fingers thought of them.

I spend days wondering when

your name will no longer just mean you,

When your name won't turn me a hue

of blue I would rather not describe,

And when I will stop looking above me

praying for something that will never again be

The universe

Has smiled for you,

As it would an old friend.

The universe

Has breathed in to your mind,

Swirls of passion,

Hues of grace.

The universe is in your face,

Your fingers(it lingers)

That create their own universes

As the sun flows 

Across the hills and to your skin.

I have smiled for you,

The one I call friend,

For you the universe has done the same.

How can one deny such worth?

The rain falls within your lips,

Drops of water(the sky's daughter)

To power the seas

And to be perceived

With admiration by all.

I see my psychiatrist this afternoon. I get edgy and paranoid leading up to these appointments, which I think is part of the reason I'm going. My stomach starts to knot and sicken with the anxiety that one of the meds is supposed to ease? I find myself spewing shit I swore I would take to my grave, but keep supressing the violent and disturbing impulses playing out in my mind like film snippets that would disgust Rob Zombie. I wonder what the detainment processs would look like if I "shared" too much.

Keep it cool, boy.

I have cancelled much too often, for these reasons and more, but today I deserve the cess pool of shame and guilt that I will undoubtedly wade, no, dive into. Maybe I'll ask the questions; "So, how are you feeling?" "What's been going on since our last meeting?" "Have you noticed any improvement with the new meds?"

Boy?

Or maybe I'll just sit there, slouched and pouty, like a petulant child and say, "idunno" to everything. You're only as healthy as your darkest secret. I guess that would make me...well, never mind.

Keep it cool...

The stigma attached to mental health issues, problems, concerns, diagnoses, whatever - is now in flux. My dad's generation didn't have these issues; they just blew their brains out when shit got heavy, and mommy just slept all day. Now that lone gunmen prowl the streets, churches, and airports, more attention is being paid to who "knew what and when and could something have been done to stop it," as Lester Holt so frequently asks. Fuck yeah, somebody knew something - they always do. Fuck yeah, somebody could have done something to stop it - they never do.

Easy, boy...

I've always believed that vomitting the bile is a release of the poisons infecting us (me). I also believe that when someone else can help carry your (my) shit, even for just an hour, it's easier to soldier on. I will keep this appointment because the demons want to prowl. And regardless of my pompous posturing, I'm bound to spill and spew, but I'm afraid some of my secrets will remain just that ...mine.

In my day

When we didn't know what to say

We said Uh

Kids uh, went to the uh mall

And our rappers wrote poetry.

Today

Rap is like Uh Huh! Whuh?

And kids fucken went to the fucken mall.

I'll tell the world

All of the best things

About you as long

As none of them will

Listen to my rambles.

I don't want them to

Fall in love like me.

Please lie to me.

Tell me you'll never

Leave me again.

Tell me I'll never

Have to be alone.

Tell me you love me.

Just don't tell me

The truth anymore.