that's all

you're good for

they're the only one

who cares

so you push

and push

and maybe

you succeed

and you feel right

I'm so nice

so smart

so kind

a beauty

to the world

and hey

you might as well be

seeing as you're the

only one

in your

little

world

so when you can't

be who you want to be

and you've let yourself down

what then?

you're struck

realizing

that you're

all alone

in this world

a

single

being

of

disappointment

nothing will change

why did i bother

what was the point

so many useless hours

wasting away

being alive

this was all a mistake

why couldn't i decide

to end it that day

why did i falter

and take the wrong pill

when i could've suffered

yet end up finally dead

you stupid

fucking freak

you couldn't even do

such a simple thing

you clung

to the possibility

of escape

but hey

YOU WERE WRONG

YOU CAN'T

DO

ANY

THING

all you feel

is pain nowadays

so what's the use

of trying anyways?

you can't focus

on even

the pleasure

of peace

all wrapped up

in chaos

your negative think

how long have you tried?

four, five years?

of positive thinking?

cognitive distortions?

distress tolerance?

well im sorry

but you failed

and you'll always fail

there's no satisfying

your selfish needs

so enjoy your pain

because its all you'll get

all you'll feel

and it all that's left

of your

fucking

miserable

existence

get out

get out

i can't get out

im trapped in this place

trapped in this room

trapped in this

sick

sick

sick

sick

twisted

mind

and now

i understand

ill never be okay

as long as im here

as long as this mind

this brain

is alive

why did i listen

to positive fools

who told me my mind

could be tamed too

im weak

and hollow

no strength left

this thing

is too powerful

for me to accept

it's pain

pain

pain

pain

pain

and nothing else

so i have to end it

before i go mad

stab

stab

stab

stab

everything hurts

existence

itself

hurts

it hurts

i am the victim

the cause

the effect

and all I feel

is powerlessness

but i'll speak the truth

im too scared to die

im angry

enraged

that i have no energy left

i want too much

to say goodbye

but this pain will remain

no matter what i try

this manic frenzy

what can i do?

no solution

no death

to appeal to

so i stab

and stab

stick fingers

down my throat

i cut

and i burn

and i write these words

there is no solution

only empty pain

and my mind is screaming

waiting for an end

but im sorry

there is no end

all we can do

is suffer

and suffer

suffer

suffer

if i can't kill myself

ill get as close as I can

see how much i can stomach

before i snap again

get closer

and closer

to the edge

til one day my mind

says

fine

end it that way

everything has an end

no matter how much

I try

to hold on.

I grip at the days

add one in front

of another

but time will not slow

and it is only

inevitable

that the days

will be ripped

out of my grasp.

And now

I can feel

every minute

every second

ticking in my mind

every beat a loss

every beat an urge

every beat intestifying

the displeasure.

oh how time

loves to be cruel

stretching

and bending

right in front of me

keeping desires

out of reach.

but everything

has an end.

and someday

I will be able

to hold on

once again.

until then

there is pain

and I will suffer

but on we go.

on we must.

I find fault

in the simple wishes of mine

silly and spoiled they may appear

and so I punish the thought

and stab guilt deep

into my bones.

And yet

I don’t need this pain

It serves no one but pain itself

And it won’t stop the fact

That these carnal desires

Are the only truths in the world

My desire to run and hide

to shield myself

from hurtful eyes.

To say what I mean

and mean what I say

never distorting

the absolute image

that is me.

To be myself

the only thing I have

that can bend to my will.

The truth

is that I am alive

and my desires are all

I really need to know.

I wish i were dead

But not yet

I have things to do

I have to live for today

And tomorrow

And for whatever comes after that

I have to believe that I'm worth it

That the world needs me

That the world wants me

That I need the world too

And I can accept it

And profit from it

And i will survive, I swear

I’ll make it there

I’ll do what I have to do

Because in the end

Even if I'm never happy

I will be content

With the life I have

and the future I build.

This is all I have.

My life.

It is the one thing I own

And can never be taken.

It is rightfully mine

and with it

I rule myself alone.

I can think of the options

But I will always come first

And the consequences may hurt

But I will always do what I want

For me

For my life

That I deserve.

I’ll do what I can

To escape what i don’t prefer

And i know that it’s selfish

And childish

And lazy

But this is my life

And I will accept the consequences

Of the actions I choose

And do as I please.

I know it’s unfair

But I’ve had enough

And I’m tired

Of trying to keep up

with lives that

just

aren't

mine.

I may be a disappointment

But this is my life

And i think i can bear

Being called that.

I won’t let them stop me

Looking at me with confused faces

Looking at me like I’m nothing

I am more than everything

Because I am me

The center of my own universe

And so I am absolute.

I am everything in my own mind

Because no one dared to come in

And so be it

Because that means more room for me.

For I, myself

my own wishes and desires

They are the only things that matter

And I won’t let anyone stop me

Because this is my life

And it’s all that I have

All that I care for

And all that I need

And I deserve that much.

Call me selfish

Call me lazy

But this is the only life I have

the only life I get

And I am the center.

I am in control.

I make the rules.

I

am

everything

to me.