Many ups and downs, many revelations

I learned to not be so toxic and assuming of the negative. To trust more freely and see things how they are.

I learned to take a step back...feel the emotion as it comes but not let it alter my judgment for the worse.

I was challenged by my end of the semester projects, but persevered and practiced my focus.

We hit our two years together. It makes me sad that we didn't do anything memorable but we've just put it off for when we have more money.

Is it normal to feel like you have to cry every few days? Just to release everything?

I have to stop victimizing myself. And I must stop having a negative outlook on things.

With this tough April that was filled with rain, May will bring prosperity and flowers and love.

I want to be more at peace with myself,

less envious of others' lives.

I've found that focusing not on what you desire for, what become greedy for,

but on what you have and the long-term satisfactions you will have has brought

me happiness that I haven't felt in a long time.

I think becoming too materialistic is a disease of some sort.

It grips you unknowingly and grows stronger as you continuously indulge in it.

Frankly, it's unhealthy.

Now don't get me wrong, I love the designer pieces I own... but I limit myself.

I know the thought cycle that arises when you fall in too deep.

The jealousy,

it's starting to melt away from me

Finally,

I'm feeling free

As this new year begins, be optimistic;

For time is always moving forward, bringing you to new opportunities, obstacles, and achievements. Look forward to the holidays, anniversaries, movies, time shared with others. Always value the little things and see the beauty in everything.

Speak your goals into existence, and they will come to you- the law of attraction is real.

Remain grateful and generous, kind and considerate, and always be open-minded and eager to learn more about everything.

2019 has unlimited potential, each day a new possibility- make the most of it and appreciate every day!

Today he came over, we ran errands, napped, goofed around, and I enjoyed every second of it. The smiles, the kisses, the laughs. God, I'm so in love with him. We've spent days apart and have been not jealous and it's been so happy. I have so much trust in him that I feel like I've built up through our time together, and I see in him that he trusts me. This man always amazes me, I feel like I've hit the jackpot every day with him. Not being in a jealous mindset (which I was in because of my past) has made me feel so much happier and not caught in viciously negative thought-trains. I feel so at ease, so confident in our relationship and so much in love with him. Today was so happy and relaxed and I know we're the forever kind of love. I thank God every night for him so I remember to always be grateful for this love of my life, to not get jealous and spiteful over things that are made out of bad thoughts. Because all in all, I love him more than anything.

For teaching me to be

Kind,

Considerate,

Grateful,

Mindful,

Loving,

Open,

Easygoing,

Confident,

Spontaneous,

and Happy.

I feel like you've given me the world. In many ways, you have. You surprise me when I think I've thought of every possible outcome.

So this post is dedicated to you, my love, for I am forever grateful for you.

There are few times in a day in which I feel truly calm.

Right now, as I am writing this, is one of them.

My mind is always buzzing with endless thought-trains,

taking me through a spiral of, at first glance, unrelated subjects.

I've been trying to break into a more positive thought cycle,

pushing away self-depricating thoughts and feelings of doubt.

For the most part, it's worked immensely.

I am able to recognize it when it happens and practice

self affirmations to make it appear less.

However, I've always had general anxiety.

And, I'm by nature a pretty neurotic person.

By acknowledging these things and working towards growth,

I've seen change.

But something odd just occurred to me.

As I sat here, happy, I felt the need to make myself unhappy again.

I wanted to feel insecure, for whatever reason.

I recognized that and immediately came here to write.

Why did I feel that way? I'm still happy now, writing this out, and I'm glad I didn't go look at pictures of model girls to put myself down.

I always want to know

Why?

Always, always,

Why?

Every problem, small and large scale, must have a solution, right?

My secret wish is to know all the answers.

My mind is abuzz with questions, analyzations, of the world around me.

I try not to get too caught up in the negatives, because our world is full of them,

and there are millions of positives weighing everything out.

So why do I want to feel sad?

Even when I make daily progress and am in a very stable and positive state?

Maybe it's wired into me, maybe it's how I was raised, the maybes are infinite.

And that's why I am always wanting to discover- about myself and about others.

Sometimes I really think I should study psychiatry, because it would help me understand everything more... though my heart lies in art history and design.

This has been a look into how my mind works- scattered, yet cohesive, in a way.

Love is when we're in the kitchen together

and you're making dumplings while I get everything ready for us

Love is those quick moments

where we turn and grab each other and share a kiss or two

Love is going to the bedroom with the cooked dumplings

and sitting on the bed, ready to watch a show

Love is eating off the same plate,

dipping into the shared bowl of Maggi sauce

Love is him asking how good they were prepared

on a scale of one to ten

Love is cute little kisses while

we're eating and watching

Love is the two pairs of chopsticks

resting on top of the empty plate

Love is spending time with your loved one,

at life's simplest moments